Miami's Most Expensive New Year's Eve 2016 Parties

Miami is one of the nation's most in demand New Year's Eve destinations. Why? Simply put: weather. Readily available cocaine probably doesn't hurt either, but as New Yorkers prepare for snow, Miamians will brace for a low of 66 degrees on January 1. We're also all going to be underwater soon, so this whole NYE Miami thing has a shelf life. But Miami, especially on New Year's Eve, is not a friendly place for the poor. So with that in mind, we thought we’d help those chino-wearing moguls, Russian oligarchs, Saudi princes, and billionaire hopefuls with mountains of credit card debt find their way around the Magic City via the path of highest expense before ending 2015.

Getting to Miami can be a pain, so if you’ve got change to spare, how about booking a direct flight from Manhattan to Miami in a BLADEone jet? The two-and-one-half-hour flight costs about $2,200, including fine cuisine and drink. Once in Miami, why not zip around the city like Tony Stark in a rented Ferrari 458 Spider for just $2,799 per day? Drop $32,000 per night and the Setai's four-bedroom, four-bathroom penthouse with an infinity pool, jacuzzi, Steinway piano, full-service kitchen, butler, and Bose surround sound system is your place to stay. Few accommodations offer so many features that’ll go so unused.

But of course, that’s all just building up to midnight, when you can recklessly spend your hard-earned money like a lonely dad browsing Craigslist. These are your most expensive New Year's Eve options.

4. Steve Aoki. 9 p.m. Thursday, December 31, at LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $300 to $20,000 via flavorus.com.

What, you don’t like having cake chucked at your face? Oh, you have something called "self-respect"? This is NYE in Miami, you dummy – we don’t believe in those things here. Steve Aoki and friends are coming to LIV, and just $20,000 (and a sneaky $6,000 in fees and gratuity) gets you the Front Stage VIP Table, 20 VIP tickets, two bottles of Magnum Vodka, three fancy Champagnes, and unlimited water and Red Bull, which is sure to have you spending the majority of your night peeing in the bathroom. So pull on the slim-fit dress, button up that button down, and slip on some sneakers, because the floors are sure to get as slippery as your New Year's resolutions.

3. Jamie Jones. 10 p.m. Thursday, December 31, at Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $75 to $25,000 via flavorus.com.

Save the $75 you’d spend on Story's general admission for your dinner at Apeiro Kitchen & Bar. Then bring all the New York friends you met on that BLADEone flight to Jamie Jones' New Year’s Eve Party. Along with a $25,000 bill, the Dancefloor Table gets you 15 VIP tickets, two bottles of vodka, and three bottles of Champagne – which honestly doesn’t seem sufficient, but who are we to judge? Maybe one of those bottles of Champagne is infused with Viagra and will keep you erect until 2017? Oh, and there are “party favors” included — though probably not the kind Story regulars are used to.

2. The Weeknd & Kygo Fontainebleau Poolside. 9 p.m. Thursday, December 31, at Fontainebleau Miami Beach, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $275 to $50,000 via flavorus.com.

Everyone’s favorite lyrical Basquiat performs poolside at Fontainebleau along with the Norwegian EDM sensation Kygo. Sadly, the $50,000 offer is sold out for now, but for $25,000, you can save stage-front spots for you and 18 friends. Also, for $25,000 you can probably have whoever bought the last $50,000 ticket murdered. But if you're willing to settle for the 25K option, you'll receive — along with the VIP tickets — four bottles of vodka, two bottles of tequila, three bottles of Champagne, water, Red Bull, a hangover, etc. We can’t promise you’ll be allowed to chat with the Weeknd or pet his hair like drunk Taylor Swift did, but you’ll certainly be close enough to see it flail around like an octopus.
 1. The Billionaires Club. 9 p.m. Thursday, December 31, at Set Nightclub, 320 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $50 to $100,000 via wantickets.com.

Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for – the moment you can’t afford and shouldn't afford and wouldn’t spend money on if you cared at all about the future of your grandchildren, goddammit! Presented by Icon and sponsored by Don Perignon, the Billionaires Club NYE party is set to make Set nightclub smell like Richard Branson's goatee. If you want to ball hard and go against the advice of any sane accountant, book the Jet “Set” Miami package for $100,000. Along with a DJ booth table, you’ll get 100 bottles of Dom Perignon, five bottles of Don Julio, and five bottles of Belvedere to spray over the dance floor when the ball drops and the bass drops and your inhibitions drop below next year’s standards. Your 2016 resolution: find out what the fuck to do with these 88 leftover bottles of Don Perignon.