Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, Episode Three: The Bonnie and Clyde of Breast Milk
Kim Kardashian, breast milk thievin'.
Kourtney & Kim's ratings have reportedly been in something of a slump since the show's debut last week. Has America's appetite for Kim and co. waned? After years of overdosing on the Kardashians, is this the nations' first step in getting back on the wagon?
Probably not, because this week's episode has lesbians. Hooray lesbians!
You can rag on this show all you want, but you cannot deny this one truth: The music to the Kourtney & Kim opening montage is perfect. It condenses the entire show into musical form. Just listen to the lyrics:
"Hummina hummina hummina hummina hummina
Hummina hummina hummina hummina hummina
Hummina hummina hummina hummina hummina
There truly is nothing else to say.
The episode opens with Kourtney and Kim trying to imagine what Kim would look like pregnant. They do this in the same scientific manner that small children use: stuffing an oversized pillow inside the front of one's shirt. Kourtney says that a baby belly would balance out Kim's ass. I guess we'll know if that's true soon enough.
Scott, meanwhile, goes to a party at the house of his new bestie, Chapman. Inside, he finds not just an overdesigned interior and swimming pool, but also: lesbians. The look on Scott's face when they tell him they are lesbians is: OMG LESBIANS. He babbles something in the confessional about not wanting to have awkward conversations where he can't relate to the lesbians, because they are lesbians and he is not a lesbian, and also lesbianslesbianslesbians. Scott seems excited about the lesbians, is what I'm saying here.
Somehow, Scott manages to shake off his paralyzing lesbianxiety and befriend the other party guests, particularly one named Dani, who happens to look very similar to Scott himself. She also looks eerily like Chapman, who himself looks eerily like a Ken doll. There's a factory somewhere churning these people out. There must be. It's how Ryan Seacrest can be in so many different places all the time.
While Scott's partying with Chapman and his lesbian bros, Kourtney's at home with the kids. She tries to do yoga with Mason, who is three years old, and shockingly it does not work so well. It's kind of tragic, the way she's always shown alone at home with nobody to talk to but her own children. No wonder she video-chats with her therapist, Erica Hershey Jaffe, to complain that Scott's out without her. Jaffe tells Kourtney that she and Scott have two different ways of socializing, by which I guess she means that Scott does it and Kourtney does not. Kourtney's prescription: Write out your angry feelings towards Scott without showing them to him. We can all be assured that Scott will eventually discover and read these messages, because secret diaries are the Chekhov's gun of reality television.
What's Kim been up to all this time? Oh, nothing out of the ordinary: Hanging out with Jonathan, having psoriasis, stealing breast milk. You know, the yoosh. But seriously, Kim and Jonathan are stealing Kourtney's breast milk to treat the persistent psoriasis on Kim's legs. They won't just ask Kourtney to donate some to the cause, because sneaking around is, like, way better television. So while Jonathan diverts Kourtney's and Scott's attention, Kim sneaks away with a secret stash.
And it works! Or at least she tells Jonathan that it works; on my TV, Kim's legs looked just as psoriasis-y as before. Let The Great Boob Milk Caper begin!
Later -- and here is one of my many problems with these types of reality TV shows: you never know how much time has passed between one thing and another -- Scott goes to see his new lesbian buddies at Monty's. Dani brings a ton of her other lesbian buddies, which makes Scott nervous because "Kourtney would not be comfortable with me hanging out with this many guys, let alone this many girls." Witness the Lord Disick, testing the cage of his own creation.
But now it's Serious Time: The women school Scott on the challenges they face not being able to marry each other. Scott confesses that he never thought about the legal implications of marriage inequality, and all of America's like, "Yeah, it's not like it's been a highly publicized, controversial issue for years or anything."
When Scott comes home, though, Kourtney goes on the offensive, accusing him of drinking and of being more interested in his new friends than he is in their family. Scott tries to defend himself, but Kourtney's not having it and leaves. Kim helpfully explains, "She's feeling boring. Everyone calls her boring." And by everyone, I assume she means herself.
Kourtney goes to do some
deep, introspective journaling email ranting about the situation. Kim enters and takes Kourtney's phone to read what she's written. Kourtney puts up the worst fight for her phone, basically handing it to Kim while saying "No. That's personal. Give it back," in a monotone. And you guys, you will never guess what happens next: Kim "accidentally" sends the email to Scott! Oopsies!
Scott shows up, has a fit, yadda yadda, then blows off some steam by going shopping with Dani, who from here on out I'm just going to refer to as Lady Disick, because now they're even wearing the same clothes. Lady Di tells Scott to talk it out with Kourtney, even though that's, like, such girly advice and she's not feminine, what with the lesbianness and all.
Meanwhile, like an evil queen in a fairy tale, Kim is still scheming ways to collect her sister's breast milk. Jonathan calls them "Bonnie and Clyde, with breast milk." They decide to ask Kourtney to donate it ... to Mercy, the kitten Kanye gave Kim in episode one. Because giving your breast milk to a cat makes so much more sense than giving it to your sister to treat her psoriasis. Hey, I bet that's the first time that sentence was ever written.
Kourtney says she'll pump if Jonathan will, which leads us to this terrifying spectre: a grown man having his nipples sucked away from his chest by a pumping harness. It's so uncomfortable to watch that Kim runs away, chased by her male best friend in her sister's breast pumping harness, and if you were wondering, yeah, that is definitely going to appear in my nightmares tonight.
Luckily, because these are Kardashian lives, not regular person lives, everyone lives happily ever after at the end of each episode. Scott and Kourtney talk it out, and Kourtney meets Dani and at least gives us a voice-over that she likes her, even though she basically refused to smile at her on camera. And Kim eventually just asks Kourtney for her breast milk for her psoriasis. And she gets it, straight from the source. Kourtney just whips out a boob and squeezes some milk directly onto Kim's leg. No, really, this actually happened and appeared on national television. Scratch what I said before about the nightmares; I may never sleep again.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.
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