"Chew with your mouth closed." Everybody's been slapped with that phrase and not only because of the mess in our pie holes. We don't want to hear it. The following list of obnoxiously loud foods won't be silenced with just closed-mouth chewing. You need a muzzle to quiet these bad boys:
9. Grape Nuts
The only thing this cereal produces in greater quantity than bland taste is an annoying crunch. Plus, you need to chew on any mouthful for at least half a minute to reduce those tiny nuggets into a paste that can be swallowed without scarring the inside of you esophagus. So it's prolonged noise pollution. They don't call it roughage for nothing.
8. Apples, carrots and celery
These fruit and veggies are good for your health but bad for fans of peace and quiet. Carrots are particularly noisy, even if you munch on the bite sized minis--the crunch easily breaks the sound barrier created by your cheeks.
The only thing worse, noise-wise, than snapping off a chunk of a pickle is the flying, vinegary spittle that usually accompanies the bite.
3. Eating ice
At the movies, in a restaurant or even in a cubicle next to yours at work, you've experienced it. Having to listen to somebody munch on ice is mightily unpleasant. That is, unless you just had major surgery or are about to deliver a baby. It doesn't even qualify as food. It's devoid of nutrients and an inefficient way to keep hydrated. Plus, it's bad for your teeth. So stop it. Please.
As a group, the noisiest food by far. But there's ample debate about which chip is actually the loudest. Pringles and pretzels deliver a consistently annoying crunch. Kettle Brand out of the UK actually has a website devoted to its crunch-tastic products. Cape Cod Potato Chips are loud and hard and have been known to crack a tooth or two. And then of course there is the Doritos line. Frito-Lay claims to have done research to determine that Doritos are in fact the loudest cracking chip, but you know you can't trust them. They own the line.
1. Sun Chips bag
Ok, so it's not the actual food inside the bag that we are criticizing, it's the bag itself. The Sun Chips people brag that it's totally compostable. Whatever. Just grabbing this bag makes you want to cringe. It's the chip bag equivalent of scratching your nails on a blackboard and makes us want to bring back plastic bags and Styrofoam cups and say screw Mother Nature!
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.