"I signed your tits at Exxxotica a few years ago."
That's what Ron Jeremy said to me when I met him for a lunch at Irish Times in South Miami to talk about his new Ron de Jeremy spiced rum, about to be launched in the United States. (The blended rum, about $28, is already available at most liquor stores.)
Ron Jeremy indeed signed my chest when I taped an interview with him for a now-defunct local radio station, and the fact that he remembered made me think that his memory must be as long as his, um, hair (which, by the way hangs to his shoulders).
Jeremy, wearing a promotional Ron de Jeremy T-shirt, sweatpants, and a pinky ring bearing his image, doesn't look like the kind of guy you'd want to see
naked. When he talks, he sounds like that creepy uncle who shows
up only at weddings and funerals. Pretty much everything out of his mouth is
Vegas-lounge-act material full of dirty jokes, double entendres,
and plugs for his products.
Despite all of that, Jeremy is extremely charming. He's like a three-legged pound puppy (pun intended) that you fall in love with -- unkempt, a little ugly, very hairy, and totally lovable.
That crazy accessibility (more than the large appendage) is the key to the Hedgehog's long-term success and the reason he has crossed over into mainstream reality television, movies, and endorsement deals.
When I asked Ron about his rum, he admitted he's not much of a drinker and that distributor One-Eyed Spirits approached him.
He then bragged about the success of his Ron Jeremy-branded rolling papers, which have pics of him and nude women on the papers. He said if he could sell rolling papers, he foresees a hit with his rum.
Then came the one-liners:
On his rum competition: "Captain Morgan has one leg. Ron de Jeremy has three." (Get it?)
On possible slogans: "The rum with a happy ending."
On why mainly Jewish men were circumcised in the United States until after World War II: "There was a 1940 cutoff date."
As lunch was winding up, I asked Ron about his future plans. He said that because he's getting older, he's filming a new adult film series. "It's called Jurassic Pork." I told him that that's not the best name I'd ever heard.
"OK, it's really Jurassic Cock. I was just being polite," Jeremy replied as I laughed. "It's going to be myself and a few other older actors banging young women."
As I was about to leave, he asked me if I wanted an RJ, Ron Jeremy-speak for an autograph. Sure, I replied as he initialed my boob for old time's sake. "You think I like doing that?" he asked. "Of course I do!"
"You coming out to my appearance tonight? I'll buy you a lap dance," he said. He was referring to an appearance at Fort Lauderdale's Showgirls Cabaret later that evening.
"You know, Ron, I've never been into that girl-on-girl lap-dance thing," I replied.
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"OK, then come tonight and I'll personally give you a lap dance," he promised. As I finished off my glass of Ron de Jeremy, I said I'd try to make it.
As for Ron de Jeremy rum, it's sure to be a hit. Sweet and dark, with a sketch of a much younger Jeremy on the bottle, it's perfect for frat
and bachelor parties and office secret-santa gifts. It also boasts a better taste and smoother finish than the Captain. So I guess not only
does the rum have a leg to stand on -- it has three. And one hell of a spokesman.
By the way, I never got a lap dance from Ron Jeremy. Too far to drive. And besides, there's always pay-per-view.