A lot of weird things happen in Florida. We're here every Friday morning to give you the week's weirdest.
This week: the biggest First-World problem ever, Walmart toy humping, a buttload of missing Crisco, and an important reminder that many of Florida's craziest residents are not actually products of Florida.
See, Most Dumb Floridians Are Not Actually From Florida
This guy was arrested this week in St. Petersburg for possession of synthetic weed, and his ridiculous mug shot has been going around the internet as "LOL Florida." But the fact is that this man is not from Florida. He is obviously a New England native -- New Hampshire to be exact. It's not all our fault! Take responsibility for the trash you birthed, rest of America, instead of LOLing at our state the entire time.
$680,00 Vacation Home Built on Wrong Lot
Missouri residents Mark and Brenda Voss own 19 lots in a gated community in Hammock Dunes, yet somehow the contractors they hired to build their (hideous) $680,000 vacation home ended up erecting it on a lot they did not own.
Which seems like one of the nicest problems to have. It's incredibly hard to feel sorry for someone who owns so many beachside lots that no one is even sure which ones are their own.
Of course, the Vosses are trying to work out a deal with the owner of the lot where their home now stands. We're sure everything will work out fine for all rich people involved.
Semi With 18 Tons of Crisco Highjacked Near Tampa Winds Up in Hialeah
Yes, someone stole a truck carrying 18 tons of Crisco oil in St. Petersburg while it was en route to a Publix distribution center in Lakeland. Then it turned up, abandoned, in Hialeah Monday night. The Crisco was all gone. Authorities still aren't sure what happened, but at least they found the truck. Maybe they shoudl check all the bathhouses in Florida.
Florida Man Humps a Stuffed Horse in Walmart
Sean Johnson has no standards. He went into a Walmart in Brooksville and humped a stuffed toy horse in the comforter aisle. He got the horsey from the clearance section. Listen, if you're gonna hump a toy in Walmart, at least have a modicum of pride and hump a toy from the full-priced section.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Anyway, according to the Smoking Gun, Johnson took the toy to the bedding aisle, pulled out his junk, did his business, and then ejaculated on the horse's chest, which, all things considered, is pretty considerate. He then left the store and was arrested across the street.
Florida Man Had His Genitals Removed for Sexual Reasons
Gawker has an interview with a South Florida man who had his ol' shebang cut off and calls himself a "nullo." Apparently, part of the reason for the excision is that he used to accidentally sit on his balls a lot. You know, there's underwear that can help with that problem, but to each his own. At least we know he's not humping horse toys at Walmart.