Marlins part-owner Derek Jeter (left) and a photo of a drunk, now-nothing-owner Papa John.EXPAND
Marlins part-owner Derek Jeter (left) and a photo of a drunk, now-nothing-owner Papa John.
TechCrunch via Flickr / thejewishprincess.tumblr.com

Miami Marlins Cut Ties With Papa John's After N-Word Scandal

For years, it seemed the Miami Marlins and Papa John's were a perfect match — consuming both Papa John's alleged pizza and the Marlins' alleged baseball for hours will leave you feeling exhausted, ashamed, regretful, deeply unsatisfied, and mysteriously sweaty all at once. 'Twas a partnership forged in the deepest, darkest recesses of the Malebolge.

But as of today, that Satanic corporate union is no more. Earlier this afternoon, the Miami Marlins, an existentialist art performance directed by David Lynch, actually made a cool decision for once and suspended their advertising and pizza-sales agreements with the "food" company after its racist founder, John Schnatter, finally got caught doing too much racism.

Schnatter was outed this week for repeatedly using the N-word during a corporate conference call being held to convince the pizza man, an infamously conservative wackadoodle, to be less racist. Schnatter, who took time on that call to share old memories of watching black people get beaten in hate crimes, stepped down as chairman of his pizza company board today.

This latest scandal is less a stunning turn for Father John than a last straw. Schnatter is an infamously huge asshole who once publicly complained about paying for his employees' health care and has blamed kneeling NFL players for slowing down his own pizza sales since his cardboard trash pizza is the NFL's official pizza sponsor. From a business perspective, analysts pointed out his claim was utter hogwash. Schnatter was the company CEO at the time, but he stepped down from that position after his anti-Black Lives Matter rant.

Following that controversy, the neo-Nazi website Daily Stormer named Papa John's the "official pizza of the alt-right."

Schnatter also gave a bunch of money to Donald Trump's 2016 presidential campaign — the former Marlins ownership was likely reluctant to cut ties with Daddy Schnatter's Klan pizza since ex-team-owning-Nazgul Jeffrey Loria also donated a bunch of cash to the Donald.

Today's brouhaha was also a perfect time for the media to resurrect this all-time-great photo of a hammered Schnatter celebrating the University of Louisville's 2013 March Madness victory:

Unfortunately, the Papa is now out of a job, likely angry, and still very racist, which means he'll probably resurface in six months on InfoWars selling freeze-dried emergency astronaut pizza to nationalist militia members.

In the meantime, Papa John's remains the official "preferred pizza" at Miami Dolphins games, which perhaps explains a lot.

Update: Here's a shot of a sad, empty kiosk inside Marlins Park:

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