More Millennials Live With Their Parents in Miami Than Anywhere Else

All those shiny new condo buildings popping up on the Miami skyline sure look fun. They're clean, they're well-designed, and they're everywhere, including places where poor people used to live. Downtown Miami, in particular, sure has a heck of a lot of condos to sell, so please, by all means, come to Miami-Dade County and tour a condominium or four! Your local elected leaders will thank you!

Wait, wait a second — are you under 35?

You are? Then go die on a highway, hippie scum. This isn't for you.

In Miami, our millennial freeloaders live at home with their parents like they're supposed to. In fact, a new study released yesterday confirms Miami has the most millennials living with their parents in America. According to the real-estate website Abodo, 44.8 percent of Miami's residents aged 18 to 34 live at home with their parents, compared to the national average of 34.1 percent. The city also topped similar lists in 2015 and 2016 (though those lists judged slightly different age brackets).

California's Inland Empire came in at number two, followed by the New York, Los Angeles, and Philadelphia metro areas. Austin, Texas, had the lowest percentage, likely because it's full of hippie teens who smoke devil weed and then murder their families in bouts of reefer rage.

In 2005, only 15.8 percent of Miamians aged 24 to 34 lived with their parents. In 2009, 26.8 percent lived at home. By 2016, 31.7 percent of the folks in that age range still had to do chores and take the family shiba inu for a walk every morning despite holding a bachelor's degree in finance.

This trend definitely, absolutely has nothing to do with the city's skyrocketing affordability crisis. Like how Miamians chew up a higher percentage of their incomes on rent than residents of any other city. Or how buying a house here costs the average person an entire year's salary for a down payment. Or how Forbes just named Miami the least affordable city in American to rent an apartment. Or how, according to Abodo, Miami's millennials would be forced to spend an average of 90 percent of their income on rent if they were to venture out from the nest. Or because our elected state and federal officials continue to do nothing to fix the nation's still-ballooning student-debt crisis.

Ask baby boomers and they'll tell you the real problem here is that millennials are too "twee" to pull themselves up by their darn bootstraps and get away from mama! And because millennials are ruining beer with their hoppy India pale ales and weirdo lagers named things like "Santa's Quadriplegic Cousin." And their dumb bars full of Edison light bulbs.