Attention, yard-owning Miamians: For a few hundred bucks, you can spend every weekend until you die drinking beer from the porch of a reclaimed Miami Beach lifeguard stand. If you don't think that sounds cool, you should probably leave South Florida immediately.
The city has put three old stands up for auction at the website publicsurplus.com. (Search "lifeguard" on the site to find them.) Two boxy ones — one is yellow and orange, and the other is blue, yellow, and white — are in "fair" condition. The third, green one is apparently in "poor" shape.
The stands have been up for auction since November 9, but they mostly haven't been bid on: Two stands are still going for just $200, while the most expensive one as of Friday was selling for a cool $250. The auctions end at 3 p.m. Wednesday.
Unlike the drab boxes that pass for lifeguard stands on other beaches, such as those on the Jersey Shore, Miami Beach's lifeguard stands are famously well-designed, colorful, art-deco-inspired, and huge. They typically come with doors and windows.
There is one big disclaimer to those low auction prices: You'll have to ship the thing yourself if you win the bid.
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If you've got the means to stash a stand, here are some awesome things you can do with one:
- Leave it in your backyard so your teenage son can play "Seven Minutes in Heaven" inside it with that neighbor girl you don't like.
- Get drunk inside it yourself and feel jealous that no one your age plays "Seven Minutes in Heaven."
- Dismantle the wood, paint adorable slogans like "Beach Bum!" on the planks, hang them in your house, and then snort cocaine as you cling to the idea that your life has
- Set a sneaky trap for lifeguards.
- Launder money and then buy a stand using an adorably named shell company like "Lil' Baby House LLC."
- Read some sweet comic books inside with a flashlight.
- Crack open a crisp LandShark Lager and reminisce about that Jimmy Buffett concert that changed your life in '77.
- Put Gov. Rick Scott inside it with a little heat lamp like he's an iguana.
- Bedazzle your Crocs in the shade.
- Carry it with you to the beach every day.
Literallylive inside it because it's way cheaper than any studio apartment in Miami.
Update: Since this story was published, the stands are now going for between $400 and $600. We apologize for blowing up a cool secret and ruining that bargain for everybody.