Dolphins and Tannehill Set NFL Records in Texans Beatdown

The Miami Dolphins put on a serious display of kick-assery Sunday in their 44-26 victory over the Houston Texans — their second consecutive impressive performance under interim head coach Dan Campbell. Before the Texans could even fill their Gatorade cups on the sidelines, the Fins had already put on one helluva show, and not even tapping the brakes in the second half could dampen what was a dominating win. 

If your trip to Publix ran a little long, chances are you got home and thought you were taking crazy pills when you turned on the Dolphins game. This matchup got out of hand fast. Here is how it all went down on a glorious day at Sun Life Stadium, where the Miami Dolphins embarrassed the Houston Texans.
The Dolphins had 392 yards of offense in the first half.

Ignore the final score — this game was all about the first half. The Dolphins headed into the locker room up 41-0. Yes, really. For the one guy who flew in from Japan yesterday and is reading this news at Miami International Airport: No lies, bro, for real — this is a thing that happened at Sun Life Stadium. The Dolphins became the first team in at least 75 years to score four offensive touchdowns of at least 50 yards in a half, according to a company named STATS. I'm not sure if that stat is true, but I'm gonna go ahead and trust a company named STATS.

The Dolphins' first half was so impressive that 41-0 actually seemed like it didn't tell the entire story of just how far they put their cleats into that Texans ass.
Dolphins fans were chanting Dan Campbell's name during the game.

At the beginning of the season, if I told you that at any point Miami Dolphins fans would fill Sun Life with an echoing "Dan Campbell" chant, you would have probably assumed TMZ was involved. Campbell is now 2-0, but it feels like 5-0. Everyone loves him. I can't even put tweets here that I wanted to include because they reference sexual favors that fans are offering Dan Campbell — it's gotten that serious. 

Nobody ever chanted Joe Philbin's name unless it was in reference to firing him or asking him to pick up his to-go order. Miamians loves them some Dan Campbell right now.
Perpetually depressed and emo Dolphins fans want to remind everyone the Dolphins have beaten bad teams.

This is why we can't have nice things. Some Dolphins fans took to Twitter after the game to let everyone know they've learned nothing about the Dolphins because they've beaten only bad teams under Dan Campbell. Thanks, guys! Yes, the Dolphins have beaten two terrible AFC North teams the past two weeks, but they also lost to one earlier in the season under Philbin. The Dolphins were up 41-0 at halftime — that's not just beating a bad team; that's dropping a nuke on them. 

The Dolphins might not be as awesome as they've looked over the past two weeks, but at least they haven't looked as godawful as they did in the previous two. That's no coincidence. The players are playing harder and smarter for Campbell. Go paint your fingernails black, emo Dolphins fan.
Ryan Tannehill was so good that nobody was too surprised when they found out he made history.

Anyone watching Sunday's game knew Tannehill was having a nice game — but nobody knew just how nice of a game it was until it was over. On his way to an 18-for-19, 282-yard, four-touchdown day, Tannehill completed an NFL-record 25 consecutive passes, breaking Donovan McNabb's mark of 24 straight completions. That's like a real record, not some rinky-dink Dolphins record. Tannehill had a lot of run-after-the-catch help from his receivers in the game, but he put the ball on the money the entire day — and now he is the holder of a pretty neat record. 
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.