Last Friday, 64-year-old Armand M. Pacher of Aventura was arrested for suspicion of having sex with his female Great Dane. Pacher's lawyer says the whole thing is a miscommunication started by a bad joke. It doesn't help his case any, though, that the dog was named for supermodel and sex symbol Christie Brinkley. Riptide has some tips on what not to name your pets lest you want to end up accused of bestiality.
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- Do not name your pet after a favorite porn star. If you have a pussycat named Jameson, you better be well known as a drunk with a penchant for Irish whiskey.
- Twilight fans: Do not get a large dog that resembles a wolf and name it either Jacob or Taylor Lautner. Expect tons of jokes and a bit of serious suspicion if you do.
- If you have a snake, people are going to think you're creepy anyway. So please do not include the syllable dil in its name.
- It should go without saying that you shouldn't name your pets after supermodels. The lone exception is if you're a gay man and you name your malnourished, jittery Chihuahua Kate Moss.
- The only time it's acceptable to have a pet named after Angelina Jolie is if it happens to be a rabbit with a mate named Brad, because, seriously, how many kids are those people gonna have? Amirite? Try the veal -- I'm here all week.
- A gerbil should not be named either Lemmiwinks or Richard Gere, even under the most ironic conditions.
- Horses should not be named in reference to Catherine the Great or after your well hung former boyfriend.