Welcome to The Weeknd's Kiss Land.
It is a glitteringly cold, irreversibly twisted, bleakly sexy netherworld where we're "all faded off the wrong thing" and we "gotta pay with [our bodies]." You know, a lot like Miami.
There is a "room where the kisses ain't free." (But the Adderall cocktails come complimentary.) And the clubs are just crawling with strippers and groupies who'll tweak and stroke and yank you like a slot machine that can't stop puking dollar bills.
So, uh, yeah ... You're gonna need some condoms.
But who doesn't need a little protection?
Because while you might be an "unshackled boy," as the Weeknd tweets, "unrestrained to touch, so immune to love" ... You definitely aren't immune to STDs or unplanned pregnancy.
So it's real good news that the Weeknd has hooked up with One Condoms to "make condoms as socially acceptable as toothpaste."
The official hype reads:
This fall, when loyal fans pack concert venues on his 34-date tour, they'll be treated to more than The Weeknd's emotionally powerful lyrics and sounds, thanks to an innovative new partnership with ONE® Condoms.
ONE, the leading specialty brand of premium condoms in North America, today announced customized condoms featuring tour logos and artwork from The Weeknd's latest album, "Kiss Land." The condoms will be distributed as giveaways at various venues on the tour.
Now, we asked the Weeknd and One Condoms rep Steve how exactly a "loyal fan" might score some of these limited-edition prophylactics at this Saturday's Miami tour stop.
"The condoms are given away at the show, they are not being sold," Steve assures us, adding, "They are handed out during a particular time of the concert, and the lucky ones that are in the right place at the right time will get these limited tour versions."
So no, you won't have to "grind hard till [your] teeth chip" or "suck it with gold grills."
Just get "lucky."
The Weeknd's "The Fall" Tour. With Banks. Saturday, September 28. James L. Knight Center, 400 SE Second Ave., Miami. The show starts at 8:30 p.m., and tickets cost $35 to $45 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 305-372-4634, or visit jlkc.com.