Ass-claps and monster storms -- two noteworthy phenomena that define Miami. And there's no better way to get your fix than a hurricane party celebrating Irene's apparent attack on our town.
If there were an "ass-clapping" genre, local DJ, producer, and label owner Jesse Perez would top its charts. His latest production says it all: "Wuz Up Wit Them Big Booty Girls." So Crossfade asked the ass-clap guru himself to pick the ten best ass-clapping tracks for the perfect hurricane bash.
Warning: The following contains mature content and expletives suitable only for true Miami rats.
10. Uncle Al's "Hoes-N-Da-House"
"They say the freaks come out at night. Uncle Al says the hoes come out to this shit.
9. Eazy-E's "Only If You Want It"
"On my 18th birthday, my boys took me to a strip joint, the Pink Pussycat. They picked out this bubble-booty chongita to give me a lap-dance, while "Only If You Want It" played. That night, I learned that Chris Rock hadn't been to Hialeah yet."
8. La Peña's "Chop the Bang-Sang"
"This track says: Make your ass clap while you ride. Jam!"
7. Shabba Ranks's "Mr. Loverman"
"When I was in third grade, I wore those classic static tapered jeans that most kids wore in the early '90s. My mom decided to stitch this corny patch of a grease-haired fox with the word Loverman running below it onto the jeans. Being that it was one of my few pairs of pants, I wore it to a United Way dance. At some point, the DJ dropped Shabba's "Loverman." I thought it would be the perfect moment to make a move on this girl I had a crush on. But I punked out and just continued doing cartwheels and the occasional "Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go!" dance with the rest of my boys. If I could re-live that moment, Loverman would be banned from school dances. Grind Fest!"
6. Kid 'n Play's "Ain't Gonna Hurt Nobody"
"This shit's a jam. Might not be 100-percent ass-clapping material. But like Play says in his lyrics: 'This will be a night you won't soon forget.' A definite party starter. May lead to better things."
5. Jesse Perez's "Slangin' That D"
"'You drive me crazy with those big ol' butts/Girls let's get butt naked and fuck tonight'
Chances are if a girl is looking at you while singing these lyrics, you're gonna need a few condoms and some lube. Shit might get interesting."
4. DJ Laz's "Esa Morena"
"If I were Laz, I would've shown up to clubs with my dick hanging out when this song was first released. Ass-clapping is an understatement. You're gonna need wipies to clean up all the vaginal fluid this song creates!"
3. Hectik Rivero & Mika Materazzi's "Overtown Boogie"
"This track was made for some hardcore ass-clapping. A nice anthem for the ladies, and one that guys also agree with. It's like the females' comeback to Three Six Mafia's "Slob On My Knob." I'm a nasty muthafucker, so as long as there's paperwork stating all is clean and sanitary, you can put that shit on my face!"
2. Disco Rick's "Wiggle Wiggle"
"If this song said, 'Imma smack you wit my dick,' over and over and over, no one would give a fuck. Girls would still be touching their toes while clapping the liquor off. Ultimate ass-clapping jam!"
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10. Johnny Ventura's "Patacon Pisao"
"This one is strictly for the grown-ups. After Hurricane Andrew in '92, this was the track my folks were breaking it down to. Now just to make things clear, my mom doesn't do any of this ass-clapping shit. None whatsoever... But I can't speak for my grandma. Abuelita ass-clapping approved!"
Check out After School Special Vol. 2, the latest release from Jesse's label, Mr. Nice Guy, featuring "Wuz Up Wit Them Big Booty Girls."