| Lists |

Wanna Get Away? These Valentine's Day Gifts Will End Your Relationship For Sure

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Look, we're gonna tell it like it is right off the bat: The best relationship-ending gift is herpes. Though it will rid you of your annoying significant other, it begins another lifelong, kinky ménage à trios between you, your pharmacist, and a science project called Valtrex™. With only mild side-effects like headaches, nausea, and abdominal pain (uh, so we're told), it sounds like less of a pain in the snatch than being in a relationship. Plus, it'll never, ever leave you.

But enough about Rihanna's parting gift to Chris Brown. Valentine's Day is around the corner, and if you're in an unhappy relationship, it's the worst time of year. But we have your solution: a quick little list of gifts all but guaranteed to start a fight of epic magnitude. You could save your money and just dump the jerk already. But if you're looking for the coward's way out, go ahead and pick up one of these "gifts" today.

Workout tape
Here's a handy SAT analogy to help you understand this one. Fill in the blank.

Workout tapes : gifts :: Black Eyed Peas : ________

A) Music
B) Art
C) Entertainment
D) Humanity
E) All of the above

The answer, of course, is E. Workout

tapes are among the worst gifts you can give, right down there with

Black Eyed Peas merchandise. You might as

well write your lover a letter stating, "I don't find you attractive anymore,

and by the way your breath is terrible." If you're gifting one of these,

go for the gold -- get a VHS of a D-list '90s celebrity, like,

for example, LaToya Jackson. Were you aware she had a workout tape? Better question: Was anyone in the Jackson family aware she had a workout tape?


your partner anything related to fitness is tricky, unless

they've expressed an interest in the past. An example of this

phenomenon is Crossfit membership. If they've posted any status updates

about how they're dying to try this hot new fad that no one seems to shut the

fuck up about on Facebook, a Crossfit membership will be taken as a token of love, not disgust. But an aerobics video starring the mom from Step by Step? That's the ticket.

Gift cards

cards are stupid gifts in general. They have all the flexibility of

store credit, and all the drawbacks of knowing some asshole put you

through the misery of forcing you to shop at a specific store rather

than giving you workable currency and saying, "Here, buy something you actually want." Here's

something you'll never hear at Starbucks if you're paying with cash: "Sorry sir, we can't accept that because it's a Circuit City gift

card and that company went bankrupt years ago."

To add insult to injury, give your un-beloved a gift card to a store they probably wouldn't even like

because you were too indecisive to pick something out. It's not in the

deposition, but we're willing to bet Lorena Bobbitt sliced off her husband's cock because he got her a gift card to Things

Remembered. And then she gave him a thing to remember her by.

Random smelly thing

to Bath & Body Works for a gift is something you do when you're

given a Secret Santa at work. It's not the sort of thing you do for

someone you know intimately. The same thing goes for any

woman who buys her man Drakkar Noir or any of the other shit they sell

at Navarro. This may not immediately end your relationship, but

it's enough of a sign that you don't give a crap about the other person

that they'll put it in their memory banks and bring it up during your

next big fight.

A gift that's really for yourself
"Sweetheart, I got you this 60-inch flatscreen television with the NFL Sunday Ticket

package and all the premium channels from every country with a vowel in

it. I know your studio apartment is only 450 square feet but I figured you

can keep it at my house." Now you're free of that nagging romantic attachment, and you have a new TV -- two gifts in one.

Women are the biggest culprits of this technique. What, you disagree? All right, lady, think about the

last time you bought some lingerie and

then told your man "I got you something" as you slipped on some lacy

black thing. Your man does not give a crap about a piece of cloth he can't wait to rip

off your body. It's not for him, ladies, it's for you. If your boyfriend

brought home a banana hammock for Valentine's Day and said, "This is

for you, baby" as he strapped it on and his pubes stuck out from the

side like cartoon smell lines, would you believe him?

No gift

you don't need to get me anything for Valentine's Day." That's the modern

Trojan Horse of dating. This trap consumes relationships faster than

Newt Gingrich consumes the souls of inner-city black children trying to stay

alive. It's an elaborate test first created by Whorey McWhorestein, an Irish Jew with an unfortunate name, for the sole purpose

of starting conflict in relationships. Women who employ this technique

have some sort of extra masochistic chromosome which lets them take pleasure in saying the complete opposite of what they

mean and requiring their man to read between the lines.

The only time "no gift" is the proper gift is if the female is in a situation like the Keanu Reeves blockbuster Speed

where if the guy gets the girl a gift, a bus full of people (and Sandra

Bullock) explodes. Even then, she'll still give the guy shit about how

he doesn't love her enough that he put the well-being of strangers over

her emotional stability. So if you're trying to turn your lady into an ex, you've gotta fully commit. When she gets angry at you for not getting her a gift, call her a liar and storm off in a huff. Should do the trick.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.