OMG you guys, did you know that people from Miami are all Botoxed, Spanglish-speaking club kids? Unless they're tourists, who are all cultureless walking sunburns from the Midwest. Or old people, who all wear hilarious old-people clothes like muumuus and knee socks.
Enough already. It's easy to think of Miami as a city full of stereotypes, but anyone who lives here knows that's not true. Distilling the Magic City into a laundry list of cartoonish archetypes isn't just insulting -- it's also boring. And that goes double on Halloween.
We get it -- you're looking for a costume this year that's both local and topical. But dressing as one of these tired Miami caricatures is not the answer. Here's why.
It's been more than half a decade since the "chonga" stereotype became internet famous, so if this is the most relevant and hilarious costume idea you've come up, it's probably best if you just stay home and hand out candy to 5-year-olds with more creativity than you. Bonus racist points if you're a white person trying to pull this off using a ton of bronzer, which is essentially the Cuban equivalent of blackface.
Old people are hilarious! If they weren't, they wouldn't have let Johnny Knoxville make Bad Grandpa, right? (It's funny because they're going to die soon.)
But aside from the fact that it's been done to death (uh, no pun intended), dressing up as a convincing old person is really difficult. Hollywood makeup artists spend entire careers perfecting the craft of creating realistic-looking wrinkles and gray hair on the sexy young actors who go slumming for Oscars each year. So no, you and your roommate won't impress anybody with gray eyeliner and a can of white hairspray.
8. Real Housewife
You might think you're skewering that fake-breasted, plump-lipped, designer-bag-carrying, little-dog-pampering persona that's become so pervasive on Miami Beach. But that's just the thing -- it's so pervasive that people most likely won't know you're in costume. They'll just think you're One of Them. And that's too scary, even for Halloween.
In the category of "Miami stereotypes that exist for a reason," this is the male version of Real Housewife. No matter how ridiculous you think your Ed Hardy T-shirt and spiky hair are, bro, there's another dude out there in Dade County who out-bros you any given day. (Also, why is this stuff in your closet in the first place, bro?)
6. Wynwood Hipster
You might as well just make yourself a T-shirt that says, "I found no inspiration at Goodwill, so I just bought a bunch of stuff that doesn't match."
5. Coke Dealer
Seems simple enough, right? Get yourself a big jacket, stock it with tiny baggies of flour, and walk around acting shady all night. But while in theory this is harmless, in practice you better be as clean as Mother Teresa, because you are almost certainly getting questioned by the cops.
On one hand, if Halloween is your excuse to show as much skin as possible in public, you might as well own it. Just flat-out dressing as a hooker is actually far more respectable than just adding the word "sexy" to some random concept and dressing as that.
On the other hand: Women, STOP IT ALREADY. If you really loved your body so much, you wouldn't need the excuse of Halloween to show it off. And you are making all ladies look really desperate.
3. Miami Cheerleader
Sure, dressing as a cheerleader on Halloween might get you laid for the night. The downside is that you'll be going home with a Dolphins fan. Best-case scenario, he makes you call him Marino in the sack; worst case, he starts weeping halfway through about that Tannehill fumble. Either way, the fantasy is over the next morning, when your one-night stand with the cheerleader fetish realizes you're just an average girl who ruined his pillowcase with glitter and thick eyeliner.
This is a costume that requires you to pay real American dollars for a fanny pack in the year 2013. Enough said.
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1. The Miami Zombie
It was a terrible idea last year, and it's still a terrible idea today: hackneyed, insensitive, and this year with the bonus of being super-outdated. Seriously, just don't.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.