Today, on the 15th
anniversary of the "Wannabe" music video, The Spice Girls have announced that
they are making a musical based on their celebrated discography.
Spice Girls are following in the proud tradition of other musicals based off of
classic pop music like The Who's Tommy and, well, mostly just The Who's Tommy.
Still, we can't help but hope that this sparks a trend in other '90s musicians
to get on the Broadway gravy train and develop musicals of their own.
What's that? You think that Pearl Jam is a
little too "grungy" for the big stage? Um, ever hear of a little show called
Rent? It doesn't get much more grungy than that.
A Pearl Jam musical would be
money in the bank. Eddie Vedder and company wouldn't even need to go through
their vast discography, all they would need is "Jeremy." Imagine, a distraught mother and school officials, trying to piece together his final
days before killing himself in front of his entire class. Sure, it's morbid.
So's Sweeney Todd. And how great would it be to see Bernadette Peters growl like Vedder in an attempt
to find closure for her son?
The Brian Setzer Orchestra
You can't talk about '90s music
without delving into the baffling Swing revival of the mid-decade. Everyone was
donning fedoras and Zoot suits, clocking out of their dotcom startups early so
they can Jive and Wail. Brian Setzer should unabashedly steal from the plot of Footloose and write a story of a town that has banned Swing music (you have
to cast John Lithgow as the mayor). Can a young rebellious teen from the big
city teach this repressed town how to Swing? You'll just have to wait for the
climax at the 1996 Zima Dance Off to find out!
This practically writes itself: Spinderella is
an orphaned DJ forced to live in the shadows of Salt and Pepa, obeying the
command of the wicked Queen Latifah. When her fairy Godmother (also Queen
Latifah) grants her a night of her dreams so she can go to Freaknik for one
night, she falls madly in love with Prince D'Angelo. Unfortunately, she runs
off before she is turned back into an average DJ at midnight, leaving a single
Nike Pump for D'Angelo to find her again. Will her foot fit the shoe? Only if
she pushes real good...
Finally a musical for the nu-metal heads out there.
Korn frontman and noted Libertarian Jonathan Davis could take this opportunity to entertain
and inform by updating Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged and basing the music off of
their 1998 album Follow The Leader. Liberals conspire to have
the Family Values Tour be publicly subsidized, at the same time whitewashing
the festival to exclude that rockin' nu-metal sound. Korn has only a week to
save the day by delivering a rousing speech on Objectivism to Congress followed
by a 30-minute version of "Freak on a Leash."
A tragedy, obviously. Woodstock '99 served as the death knell for the idealism of Nineties cultures and
a harbinger of the darker days ahead in the 2000's. Take the music of any of
the bands you can get, Rock of Ages style, and frame it as an Opera, with each day
of the festival being an act of the show. The festival starts bright and
cheery, but after three days of jacked up water prices, hell breaks loose with
arson and assaults. By the end,
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all that is left is the chorus of MTV News correspondents Kurt Loder, John
Norris and Sway to survey the damage. Finally, a Gimme Shelter for our