Naughty and Nice

Are you the sort of person who feels like the year was a failure if you don’t get a lump of coal in your stocking? Think Santa’s “nice” list is for suckers? Does the thought of a bearded fatty shimmying down your chimney cause your bells to jingle? Then A Nightmare Before XXX-Mas is the superfilthy Christmas party for you! The latest fiesta by the fetish-loving funsters at Submission South Beach is gearing up to paddle you with a fruitcake this Saturday from 11 p.m. till at least 5 a.m. at Mekka (950 NE Second Ave., Miami). So if you’re not a night owl, you could always get up early and swing by on your way to church, where you can pray for the souls of those you met at the club. At your office party, you’ll get some Mannheim Steamroller and a drunk accountant shaking mistletoe at the interns. Boring vanilla folks would think that’s exactly the kind of torture that makes you want to skip the party altogether. You, on the other hand, are into that kind of thing; you’re going to the Submission party for the dungeon staffed by Leather Lee Manning, Adam Angel, and Dark Wolf, all of whom will give you erotic noogies and welts to last until the new year. Bring a Band-Aid for DJ Danny Bled, who will play alongside Essential 6. Performances by Natasha Love, Carla X, Isobel Devi, and La Mina, who probably envy your boring office job because of all the paper cuts and constant suffering. Share your world with them; it’s the season for giving, after all.
Sat., Dec. 21, 11 p.m., 2013