If you really think about it, the only thing separating most private sex acts from the public realm is just a thin layer of drywall and people's puritanical inhibitions. Does that thought excite you? If so, you're not alone — a lot of folks derive increased pleasure from the danger of being caught having sex in public.
While we don't condone criminal acts (unless they're hilarious), we've compiled a list of the best places to bang wildly in public. Please keep in mind, these ideas are for educational purposes only. We're not responsible if you end up on the sex offender registry because you pulled your dong out in Kendall Ice Arena.
Note: Your definition of a "public place" may vary; for example, some people believe having sex in your car at a
drive-in theater is public, whereas we like to think of our automobiles as tiny, private mobile homes. For the purposes of this article, we'll
only consider it public if an object not owned by you or your partner
grazes your ass cheeks.
The homeless have been jacking off in
libraries since the Ancient Greeks invented library masturbation, so
it's only logical to suggest couples get in on the, um, action. In order
to pull this off, you'll need to assure yourself of a few things.
First, there can't be any cameras around, or you'll be Pee Wee Hermaning
your ass to the nearest clink. Second, screamers need not apply. Third,
it's best if you do it in an aisle with shitty books, so no one with the
intelligence to realize what you're doing is likely to walk by.
The shelves where they stack all those stupid vampire romance novels are
a good place to start.
All-out fucking might be difficult unless you find the right spot, but a recent short film with boner-inducing properties featuring Mila Kunis and Zoe Saldaña taught us that fellatio and finger play are not only possible, but encouraged.
This rates about a 7 on the Kobe Bryant romantic scale.
one's a no-brainer, but take nothing for granted. Your success depends
on the park, its size, and its location. For example, you can get your rocks off in the Everglades, and the only ones who may catch you would
be the Bang Bros. guys filming the same shit a few meters away. However,
try that at the top of the bullshit mountain in Tropical Park, and
you're going to jail. And while public restrooms technically meet our
"public place" criteria, we're gonna go ahead and call it cheating. Man
up and roll around in the grass.
This rates about a 5 on the Kobe Bryant romantic scale.
At the beach
can be easily done at night on the sand, or during the day in the
water. But fair warning: You might want to ask your gynecologist about
possible ill-effects of Miami Beach salt water getting all up in you.
(We haven't consulted with a doctor, and WebMD has very little
information on "sea water drilled into pussy.") If that's too risky for
you, wait until the evening and have yourself some sex on the beach
under the moonlight and the eight stars the big city light pollution
allows you to see.
Hey, it's gotta be a good idea because there's
even a drink named after it, right? Then again, Bloody Mary is named
after sex during menstruation.
This rates about a 6 on the Kobe Bryant romantic scale.
Someone else's house
can't just be house-sitting or something; the owners have to be there.
This is the only instance in which having drywall between your naked
bodies and the unsuspecting eyes of others still counts as public.
Exceptions: stupid high school and college parties where they set aside
rooms for that sort of debauchery. It only counts if you're in a group
of level-headed adults with mortgages and careers who invited you over
for a game night, then one partner excuses himself to use the restroom,
and you excuse yourself to make a phone call. Then bam, you two are
doing the unholy on the carpet in their den with no door. That's what
we're talking about.
This rates about an 8 on the Kobe Bryant romantic scale.
the Holy Grail of public fornication, churches are notoriously
difficult places to get off. First of all, you know you're unequivocally going to
burn in Hell for the act, even more than you already would just for
being Jewish or Muslim. There's also the fact that churches have the
best acoustics of all buildings. Every little moan is going to echo
through the pews. Not to mention the dying Jesus Christ hanging above
you on a cross — if you can stay horny while looking at that, then
you've got a whole different set of issues you need to work out.
This sort of thing is reserved for the more die-hard couples, priests and altar boys included.
This rates a 10 on the Kobe Bryant romantic scale.
Remember, if you get caught doin' the nasty in any of these places, public sex in prison is your next goal.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.