Lewis Black is a hilarious dude. And not just in his stand-up -- though as you'll see when he hits town for the South Beach Comedy Festival 2012 March 1st, he's hilarious on stage too. But he's also funny (and unexpectedly patient) in one-on-one conversation.
See, when we heard the perpetually frustrated Mr. Black was on his way to our fair city, it sounded like the perfect excuse to get him on the phone and ask him the stupidest questions we could think of.
The result: The guy is not an asshole. He can take a joke.
Read on for his opinion on everything from fake tits to hookers, weed, golden showers, killer cops, politicians, and crackwhores. Hell, we even made him swear in Spanish.
Cultist: You're signed to Stand Up Records right? We got a guy down here, Dave Williamson, who just recorded for them. What do you think about Dave?
Black: I'm signed to Comedy Central Records; I've recorded for Stand Up Records. I may know him, I may not. It's just, a lot of the times, new comics, I don't see them enough. I'm never around to see them. Even the ones that have been around for a number of years.
Do you smoke weed?
No. I used to when I was young. I smoked so much of it that it didn't work anymore.
You ever get high before a standup gig?
Probably twice in my life, and the second time taught me a big lesson, so that was that.
Cops here like to shoot people. Especially tourists. That shit is funny right?
(Laughs) Nah, that's not funny.
Why'd you laugh?
Cause you said, "Is that funny?" Unless shooting someone is a necessity it's absurd.
There was a true story here of a Miami Beach cop getting drunk at a bachelorette party at a hotel on South Beach, picking up a chick, taking her for a joyride on his ATV at sunrise with his headlights off, and running over a couple of tourists
Obviously he didn't have to pass too many tests to become a cop. Certainly the first one being common sense.
Did you hear the one about the transgender fake doctor who was pumping fix a flat implants into people's asses?
Yeah, I heard about that. You always wanna go to a surgeon who enlarges your breasts in a backroom, the filthiest room in the building, and has no expertise whatsoever. Really the most important thing in the world are bigger tits.
The mannequins on Lincoln Road have huge tits...
Speaking of big tits, the thing that always amazes me down there in Miami is how skinny the women are. I can't fathom the diet. I can't think that weight is healthy.
We got a lot of girls down here we call thick too.
Yeah, true, but there's a lot of freakishly skinny girls in Miami. I like girls that have something. You don't wanna feel like they're gonna break because they haven't had enough milk in 40 or 20 years.
So is it 40-year-old or 20-year-old girls that you like to fuck?
Anybody that's actually interested helps. If there are signs of interest I'm happy.
There was popular mayor of Miami Beach back in the day, Alex Daoud. Before he got indicted and sent to prison he would go on midnight ride-alongs with the police and throw people off bridges.
Way to do what you gotta do, ya fuck. If you wanted to be a cop, you coulda been a cop. That's beyond goofy. You don't get to do that. You chose to be an asshole politician, be an asshole, don't live like one.
There's a strip club on Miami Beach that doesn't sell liquor, and supposedly half the dancers are actually men with fake tits...
That's never fun. I would need a severe amount of alcohol to watch men with fake tits. I would need alcohol poisoning. Thanks for the tip.
The Sham Wow infomercial guy got his tongue bit off by a hooker on South Beach. Anything like that ever happen to you?
Nah. I've been lucky.
What's been your best hotel experience?
The best ones are when I go to a casino and a family of 35 could live in the room I get. You can -- it's like a masturbatorium, it gives you a lot of options masturbating, like, ok, let's do it here.
You can't buy beer in a store on the beach after midnight. If you want a drink you have to go to a bar. That sucks right?
That won't be hard. I can go to a bar. It's like, tough shit. Everywhere you live something sucks.
Why are politicians such piece-of-shits?
They forgot why they were there in the first place. They live in a bubble with no clue what's going on outside. They don't lead real lives, and a lot of people pay to keep them in the bubble.
What's your favorite type of hooker? Tall, short, skinny, big tits, needle marks?
I'm not big on hookers. I'm glad they're around and all that, but I figure if I gotta pay for it, nah.
What about if you didn't have to pay for it?
Then that would be my favorite type of hooker: free.
Have you ever been pissed on?
Nah. I'll do it myself.
Is that better than getting pissed off?
Nah. Getting pissed off is better.
Bestiality was only recently made illegal in Florida....
Well, good luck for those of you who like fur.
What would you do if Marco Rubio was talking shit about you?
Then I would return the favor. I just think it's interesting...I'm amazed when Latino community or black leaders line up with a lot of conservative white men. What makes you wanna hang out with them is beyond me. I can understand conservative Republicans if it was an interesting mix, but that's not a party you wanna go to. Democrats are mostly white guys too. Both parties are really worthless. We're gonna have to wait it out until people come along who know what they're doing again. Just wait out the idiots. They have no interest in what we have to say anyway.
You think Rick Scott might be an alien?
The Governor of Florida.
There's a very real possibility that all the leadership are aliens from two different warring planets. They're not talking to us. They're trying to communicate with their home planet and guide them here for a takeover.
I wrote a play about a guy on South Beach who can't stop throwing up blood. Would you like to be in it?
Not this week. No. If things change in my workaday career I'll get in touch with you on it.
Would you rather be a crackwhore or a politician?
I'd like to be a politician married to a crackwhore. Then, when I'm doing terrible politically, I'd have an excuse. My wife is a crackwhore.
That would be fun for the holidays.
It'd be spectacular. Especially since I'm Jewish.
I read an interview where you say when you do shows in the South you talk slower so the audience can keep up. How do you speak for the Miami crowds?
I try to speak with a more Hispanic lilt.
Do you speak Spanish?
I used to know Spanish really well, and then I just lost it over the years. As your brain just flushes shit down the toilet -- not that Spanish is shit -- Spanish was a part of the library that went out the window.
You know come mierda?
It means "eat shit."
Hahaha, oh yeah, that's right.
Here's a Cuban one. You know singao?
It's basically, like, "homeless motherfucker piece of shit."
What about hijoeputa?
That's, like, "you're a whore" or something, right?
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"Son of a bitch."
Oh yeah, that's way back there. Somebody somewhere put that in my head. I can't have a civil conversation.
What's the best language for cuss words?
Probably German. That gutterall thing makes it sound worse.