South Florida League of Lady Arm Wrestlers Promises a Women-Dominated Smackdown

Get ready to feel the pain and power of the South Florida League of Lady Arm Wrestlers this weekend at the Villain Theater. They're ditching regressive macho man energy and embracing a truly new world order.

The nine wrestlers will flex their biceps and creative muscles when they compete at their third-ever competition. "It's going to be a big spectacle just like WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment)," says Jannelys Santos, chief operations officer at the Villain Theater. She'll host the event, which not only includes feisty arm wrestling but is a charity fundraiser and live musical concert.

All the experienced arm wrestlers are also comedians — except one who is into cosplay. Each will take on an over-the-top alter ego complete with costumes, theme songs, and backstories. They'll hit the stage ready to hype the crowd bathed in party lights, confetti, and smoke and buffered by their entourages.

Allison McCoin, who's heading up this year's event, is also known as ThunderCunt. She promises pure entertainment.

"The whole reason I came up with ThunderCunt is because someone called me that at some point," she explains. McCoin initially used the character in sketches before joining the league in 2019. "I was like, 'Perfect! ThunderCunt can wrestle.'" Her character has a couple of origin stories. They say she emerged from those terrible rips that cannot be fixed in the thighs of jeans caused by "chub rub." ThunderCunt wears a nude unitard with a boa sewed at the crotch with lightning bolts down her thighs leading to knee-high silver boots.

Her character "reaffirms that women don't need to be pretty or here for you. We can do our own thing, whether or not you like it, we don't care," McCoin says.

Other wrestlers are Gabrielle Fernandez "Baddie Blaze," Billie Morgan as "Moth Ma'am," Felisha Noel as "NyQuil," Cristina Argüelles as "Crist the Redeemer," Joshira Maduro as "Nocturness," Abby Ballin as "Tina Burner," Amazon Gregoire as "Princess Punisher," and Evelyn Poyato as "Mary Mayhem."

"NyQuil is an evil princess that puts people to sleep. Princess Punisher is cute, but she'll knock you out. Tina Burner is like Tina Turner, but she's a stoner," she explains.

Know, though, that this is real arm wrestling. The event is double-elimination tournament style. McCoin built a stage platform with a regulation arm wrestling podium to keep their arms safe during matches.

As Morrissey learned, some girls are bigger than others, and those who are less swole will have to use strategy to win. They'll head into a challenge round if they can throw three matches. A spinning wheel will include a dance battle, chugging LaCroix, or karaoke challenges.

Competitors will likely have to use this technique against one of the strongest wrestlers, Joshira Maduro (AKA Nocturness), a real-life circus performer. "We've all been doing extra push-ups, doing some extra curls. Trying our best!" McCoin says after seeing her guns. "We're not professional bodybuilders. This is a fun event — just trying to keep it campy, keep it fun."

This is a women-dominated event. "We wanted to free ourselves from the male gaze and not have male referees, male commentators, male anything," Santos says. The referees and judges are all female. Judges and comedians Victoria Haig and Cindy-Ann Boisson will be offering commentary throughout. The only men in the acts are the band and dancers who'll perform "Jingle Bell Rock," Mean Girls style. They don't have speaking roles. Villain's house band, ShoeBox of Sound, will perform holiday songs and emo tunes — from Black Sabbath to Mariah Carey's Christmas tunes.

The audience is fully involved in the banter and activities. They can "bet" by donating to their favorite wrestler's charity, including Camillus House, Lotus House, and the National Alliance on Mental Illness. The winner's charity gets the pool.

This will be a real Saturday night smackdown, no pay-per-view necessary. And sister, if you don't like it, you can [insert crotch chop] suck it.

South Florida League of Lady Arm Wrestlers 2023. 8:30 p.m. Saturday, December 16, at Villain Theater, 5865 NE Second Ave., Miami; villaintheater.com. Tickets cost $20 via eventbrite.com.