Five Literary Characters Who Needed Obamacare

The Supreme Court upheld Obamacare! Hooray, hooray! No more

giving fake names at emergency rooms and trying to set broken arms with a tree

branch and duct tape! 

Though we're thrilled to get affordable health care, we

can't help but wish that Obamacare had been passed years and years ago. Just

think of everybody it could have helped. It could have even changed the course

of modern literature.

Just look at all the literary characters who could've benefited from a little socialized medicine.

Tiny Tim
Obvious? Sure, it's obvious. But Obamacare makes

it so that health insurance providers can't discriminate or drop patients

because they would be too expensive to cover and are too sick. No more relying

on scary ghosts to haunt your father's miserly, misanthropic boss to show how his

penny pinching has put you on death's door. Tiny Tim would have gotten some

pills to cure that nasty consumption of his, and while we're at it, could

probably get some braces or a walker instead of having to rely on a crutch.

Then he and his family can use the savings to have a Christmas meal every day! Joy!

Captain Ahab
Let's face it: Ahab is a classic case of

borderline obsessive personality, having driven himself crazy attempting to

kill Moby Dick. He is in desperate need of therapy, which Obamacare could provide.

He and his therapists can finally discover what exactly Moby Dick is a

surrogate for. Is it his parents who died and made him an orphan at such a

young age? Is it his wife and child he never sees? Maybe if Ahab had Obamacare

he would have sought medical attention after his initial encounter with the

whale instead of seeking out a life of vengeance against a dumb animal that

can't understand his actions.

Sherlock Holmes
A tenacious detective with his own evil

nemesis and a debilitating coke habit who is also constantly in danger? You

think private insurance companies want to cover him? Obamacare would allow Sherlock

to get cheap and affordable care without paying huge bills every time an

investigation causes him to wind up in the hospital. He could even finally not have

to rely on cocaine to drown his pain, and instead, find a decent rehab center.

Hell, he could even find a provider who would agree to cover Watson.

Kaspar Hauser
Poor Kaspar Hauser. The German dwarf

appeared out of nowhere in the early 1800's, claiming to have been raised for 18

years in total isolation in a dungeon. His numerous medical disorders baffled

doctors of his era, but at least with

Obamacare, he wouldn't have incurred the high costs of being surrounded by medical professionals 24-7. Of course, Germany already has the public health care

option so he probably wouldn't need Obamacare. But if you think about it, all

of these characters are European and don't really need Obamacare. Please stop

poking holes in the basic premise of this post, guys. It's just bad manners.

Talk about someone who was in desperate need of

medical attention. The daughter of Polonius is driven crazy after her father is

killed by the also debatably crazy Hamlet. She is driven into a deep

depression, potentially also hearing voices. If she were covered under

Obamacare, a decent doctor could have diagnosed her schizophrenia and suicidal

tendencies. Prince Hamlet could have potentially gotten help too, as Obamacare

allows children to be covered under parents' plan until they are 26. Some would

say that would make the Shakespeare drama less urgent, but we say there is

nothing more urgent than good health care.

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