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Fifteen Signs You're at King of Diamonds

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Art Basel is over. Christmas is still a couple of weeks away. You're in the middle of December's dead space, as Miami recovers from the biggest art event in the nation and prepares to get festive.

But that doesn't mean you can't have fun. Not with King of Diamonds just up the road.

If you're a fan of the musical stylings of Drake, Lil Wayne, and Mr. Ricky Rozay, visiting the notorious King of Diamonds is a bucket-list experience. It's the only place in the world where you can indulge in an amazing twerk tutorial while embracing all of your ratchet sensibilities. And you better get in soon, because you know Grandma is not gonna approve come Christmas.

But if you're a KOD virgin, it's important to know what to expect. Here are 15 experiences you're sure to have at King of Diamonds, based on my most recent visit.

15. The overwhelming sense of sadness when you walk in before 10 p.m. on a Thursday.

Listen, this little Cuban from Westchester is ballin' on a budget, so when I heard free entrance before 10 p.m. on Thursdays, I. WAS. THERE. But... no one else was. Because only my degenerate/cheap ass would jump at this offer. And unfortunately, things never really popped off. So, pro tip: Don't go on a Thursday. I hear Sundays and Mondays are where it's at.

14. Drake, Drake, and more Drake.

If you don't hear at least ten Drake songs, you're not at KOD. Consider him the mayor of this fine institution. I've been to Strokers in Atlanta, and that place plays a tremendous amount of hip-hop (naturally), but no club, exotic or otherwise, plays this much Drizzy. Oh, and KOD's playlist was fuego. The best hip-hop set I've heard in a hot minute.

13. There's no champagne except Moët.

'Cause they fancy, huh? Yes, I just made yet another Drake reference. OK, I'll stop now. Promise. At KOD, Ace of Spades, Cristal, and [insert popular rapper-endorsed champagne brand here] wasn't available. Maybe it's a BYOB type of thing when the likes of Rihanna and Jim Jones party here?

12. They serve reasonably priced drinks.

By Miami standards, obviously. In some parts of this town, a $7 Corona Light is a steal. And all drinks come with a side of T&A, so it doesn't get much better than that.

11. The strict "no gum" policy.

Take note: KOD cares about cleanliness. And no stray piece of gum was going to touch their pristine new carpets. They'll practically do a full cavity search to find gum on your person. So just leave the Trident at home.

10. The parking lot pimpin'.

Either the employees or attendees (or both) are about that life. Every dude (or lady) with a Dodge Charger apparently chills here. And a few ballers with Audis and Range Rovers, too. It's a good place to pick up men if you're of the gold-digging variety.

9. The strippers' on-point shoe game.

I'm not talking about some busted, generic platforms either. I'm saying they were fabulous, sky-high, and the type of heels I wish I could rock (if I didn't think I'd break my ankles just trying them on). Never have I laid witness to dancers with the kind of shoes that I see in my dreams like the ladies of KOD.

8. The last call for Taystee/Tastee/Tasty/Taysty.

This dancer was nowhere to be found. She was asked to come up on stage twice and "last called" twice as well. I can only imagine why poor Taystee/Tastee/Tasty/Taysty never made it. It keeps me up some nights. Really, it does.

7. REAL twerking and p-poppin.

Not that Miley Cyrus watered-down ish. Or the kind of lame body rolls I've seen at other clubs. The women here are gymnasts of the highest caliber. Watching them is like indulging in a naughty, X-rated Cirque de Soleil performance. Booty, booty, booty rockin' everywhere. But to the nth power.

6. Your bones shaking to bass. Mucho, MUCHO bass.

Enough to blow your mind... or cause a bowel movement. It was that serious.

5. Ladies that tip better than dudes.

This may have been a consequence of my going on a Thursday (again, don't do it), but there was this one group of females going cray to the cray on every single stripper. They didn't make it rain, per se. But they sure caused a light drizzle.

4. Ass tattoos. And lots of them.

Mostly of roses or some other type of flower. Guess there was a special at the local tattoo shop one night and all the KOD gals decided to go get BFF stripper flower tattoos. Whatever, their asses are fabulous enough to pull them off.

3. You can feel that holy spirit.

Trinity Church is just a few blocks away. So you can have a night of debauchery, and then hit the 7 a.m. mass in the morning. Cleanse all those sins, child.

2. Getting lost.

If you've never been before, you will get lost coming here. It's just a fact of life. Siri or whoever your GPS lady is will not know how to get you here. You will go down a dark street where you'll legitimately think you'll get murdered. But eventually, you see the bright lights of the glorious King of Diamonds sign and a sense of calm and joy will wash over you, allowing you to forget the intense rage you felt mere moments ago.

And the getting lost thing applies to inside the club as well. It's pretty damn big (that's what she said), so even finding the bathroom can be a bit of a trek.

1. The smell of marijuana.

Because obviously.

—Lourdes Duarte

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