Failure Is Their Middle Name

The Charlotte Hornets are a terrible basketball team. Their offense is as useless as a Nerf ball in a gunfight, and their defense stinks worse than a proctologist’s dumpster. The Hornets couldn’t fight their way out of a bag of cotton candy. The team is so desperate it recruits new players by driving to Home Depot parking lots and seeing who wants to jump into the bed of their old pickup truck. The Hornets suck so much that their highlight reel is a half-hour vacuum-cleaner infomercial. The Hornets couldn’t transition if they were undergoing gender-reassignment surgery. They couldn’t pick-and-roll if they had food stuck in their teeth at a sushi restaurant. They couldn’t box out if they lived in the alley behind FedEx Office. They couldn’t triple-double if they bought a calculator factory. The Hornets have so many losses that their insurance adjuster thinks it’s an inside job. To top it all off, they turn over more balls than a hooker on Biscayne. Watch the Miami Heat destroy them Sunday at the AmericanAirlines Arena (601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami). The game starts at 6 p.m., and tickets cost $15 to $340. Call 786-777-1000 and visit nba.com/heat.
Sun., Nov. 23, 6 p.m., 2014