Hang on to your Botox. The mob wives are about to invade our sunny shores.
The infamous raspy-voiced, big-lipped Angela "Big Ang" Raiola is headed to the Magic City. The top-heavy ex-mob wife has brought her ridiculous crew of horny housewives into town for the filming of the newest season of her VH1 reality treasure, appropriately titled Big Ang.
According to permits recently approved by the Miami-Dade County Mayor's Office of Film and Entertainment, Big Ang is now fully approved for filming throughout Miami Beach. Somehow, we think she'll fit in just fine.
Here are our top ten suggestions for where she should hang out while in town.
10. Hit up Blue Martini in Kendall
Sadly, we have nothing like Raiola's Drunken Monkey here in Miami. Not yet, anyway; the premise of Big Ang's Miami season is that she's opening a franchise of her bar here in town. Until then, the closest thing might just be Blue Martini. Where else do nipped, tucked MILFs go to prey on greased up younger men? Ang will feel right at home.
9. Buy bras at Oh La La Cheri Lingerie Shop
Those knockers. They're EPIC. They put even South Beach silicon to shame. And lord knows she needs some serious over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders to keep those puppies in place. Even with her FFs, she should be set at Oh La La Cheri.
Big Ang and her ladies in waiting are exhibitionists if nothing else. And what better place to put their goods on display than a nude beach? They might be a wee bit disappointed when they discover most of the available wangs wag the other way, but hell, they'll get their full-body tan on if nothing else.
She'll be in Miami for awhile. She's gonna need a little touch up or two. And what better place than Strax, where you can fund your vaginal rejuvenation with a payment plan?
5. Go to a Heat playoff game.
If anyone can outdo Filomina Tobias with a shameless public display, it's the cast of Big Ang.
4. Have brunch at The Palace.
Big Ang and crew are entertaining. And frankly, the only stage crew that can possibly compare is the cross-dressing hotties at Ocean Drive's legendary spot. We'd love to see Ang and her chicks go head to head with the divas in drag.
3. Double date with D-Wade and Gabrielle Union.
Big Ang has already said she wants to double with Pitt and Jolie, and Wade and Gabby are Miami's own celeb king and queen. She likes "handsome couples," so it'd make for an interesting evening, undoubtedly.
2. Buy a pad in SoBe.
She owns a house in Pompano, but that's so ... dull. I mean, Big Ang is obviously a South Beach kinda chick.
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1. Sign Bigger Is Better at Books & Books.
All the real notables make a stop through the Gables at Mitchell Kaplan's indie bookstore extraordinaire. Ang can't call herself a real writer till she waxes poetic about the creative process and signs copies of her epic tome. As poor journalists, we can only hope to reach such heights one day.
Either way, we're stoked the saucy lady is bringing her larger-than-life antics to the 305. We totally wanna have drinks with her. Ang, that's an official invitation.