Bacon Stops Nosebleeds, and Nine Other Incredible and Inedible Uses for Tasty Fried Pig

People love themselves some bacon. They idolize it. Worship it. Some would probably inject it into their veins, if bacon heroin existed. And we're positive that there's a growing minority out there who are mad jealous of Kevin Bacon solely for having the last name "Bacon."

Think we're being as dramatic as Miss Piggy? Think again, Kermit. Bacon spurs cult pages on Facebook, inspires vegetarians to create their own sad, Band-Aid-ish alternatives, and even provokes douchebags to create incredibly un-kosher Hitler costumes out of the deliciously crispy, strips of pork. How can you sleep at night, knowing you've abused bacon like that, Hitler-douche? How?

As a species, we're not even satisfied with the phenomenal flavor of pure bacon. We feel the need to top cupcakes with it, coat it in chocolate, and infuse it into our vodka. But what about all the other uses for bacon? The fatback is so ridiculously awesome that it has to be good for something ;more than making our tummies smile. So we put on our detective hats, busted out our magnifying glasses, killed a few ants, and then found 10 incredible yet inedible uses for bacon. (Sorry, ants.)

1. It can be used as cologne

Because what woman doesn't want a man who smells like a roadside diner?

2. It stops nose bleeds

Seriously, stick it up your nose and the bleeding will subside.

3. It gives you a soft pucker

Honestly, after Butter Balm, we're surprised Paula Dean didn't come up with this one herself.

4. It can be used as a wallet

And give a whole new meaning to the term meat wallet.

5. It can be used as a lance

Bacon is so kickass is can burn through a steel pan!

6. It aids in proper oral hygiene

Because who doesn't associate minty fresh breath with dead pig?

7. It can be used as a rocket

So you can eat bacon on the moon! Uhm, sorta.

8. It can help you get high

Bacon flavored rolling papers help you figure out before you even smoke what you'll crave when the munchies strike. Very crafty, bacon. Very crafty indeed.

9. It can help cause quite an explosion

Proving that bacon is indeed the bomb.

10. It can be used as a bra

Finally, edible underwear that tastes great!

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.