Yes, Miami Would Survive a Zombie Invasion
Another year, another listicle that claims Miami wouldn't survive a zombie invasion. Which is — excuse my language, but we're talking about a life and undeath situation here — just pure bullshit.
This year, CareerBuilder.com analyzed the skills of the workforce of the country's 50 biggest metro areas to decide which have the right stuff to survive an attack.
"The index is scored on eight different factors in four categories: ability to defend against the virus, ability to contain the virus, ability to find a cure and ability to outlast the epidemic with an ample food supply," says the site. "The study is based on data from Economic Modeling Specialists Intl. (EMSI), which analyzes labor market data from more than 90 national, state and local employment resources."
Miami came in as the sixth least likely area to survive an invasion. Miami ranked particularly bad for our ability to contain the virus.
The rankings come on the heels of last year's Trulia.com's study that also found that Miami was on the least likely cities to survive. That study focused on different factors including walkability (which is bad apparently), traffic, and density of hardwood stores and hospitals.
But, let's be real. Neither of those studies really make sense, and you all know we could survive us the hell out of a zombie outbreak. Let us list the reasons why.
Zombies Can't Swim
We're taking a hard stance on this. Most zombies we've seen can barely walk without having their arms outstretched to keep their balance. There is no way that they have the motor skills necessary to swim, let alone swim swiftly. At best maybe they could end up walking on the bottom of the ocean or just floating. Hop on a boat, take your kayak to an island in the middle of the bay, build a raft, commander a cruise ship or a private yacht, boom, you're automatically safe. Tens of thousands of us would survive that way alone.
A Bunch of Zombies Would Just Wander Out to the Everglades
Where they'd probably just get eaten by alligators or strangled by pythons or wander aimlessly or something. Zombies are stupid.
High Prevalence of Santeria Priests and Priestesses
If we're hypothetically living in a world with zombies then we chose to believe we also live in a world where the powers of Santeria and other related religions are real and would be massively effective at warding off the evil spirits of zombies.
Cops That Really Like to Shoot
We're not going to elaborate on that one, but, you know.
NPC Southern States Bodybuilding Championships vs. NPC Southern States Fitness & Figure Championships
TicketsSat., Jul. 8, 6:00pm
Florida Launch vs. Chesapeake Bayhawks
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 7:00pm
Florida Launch vs. Charlotte Hounds
TicketsSat., Jul. 22, 7:00pm
Intl. Champions Cup pres. by Heineken: Paris Saint-Germain v Juventus
TicketsWed., Jul. 26, 8:30pm
People Who Drive Like They're Plowing Through Crowds of Zombies Anyway
Zombies do not abide by the laws of proper pedestrianism. They'll jaywalk like crazy, and, let's be real, at least 25 percent of them are going to get hit by a reckless Miami driver anyway.
We Did Have a "Zombie" Attack Once and That Person Survived
Remember when that guy who may or may not have been rendered zombie-like by bath salts attacked a guy by the MacArthur Causeway? Yeah, well, that guy survived.
So Many Guns
You know when Florida's lax gun laws would actually really come in handy? In the advent of a zombie apocalypse.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.