Miami's Dirty Dozen 2011
• After four increasingly tooth-grinding seasons, the Miami Dolphins finally tired of Tony Sparano's eternal quest for mediocrity and canned the mustached coach after a putrid 0-7 start.
• Florida Gov. Rick Scott tried to regain voters' confidence by working at "everyman" jobs, from the Port of Miami to an ice-cream shop, but he forgot to create work for the rest of us. His promise to add 700,000 new jobs turned out to be bogus.
• Tired of waiting for her SUV at the Fontainebleau, LeBron's mom Gloria James hauled off and backhanded a parking valet harder than Dirk Nowitzki rocked the Heat's playoff chances.
• Ex-Miami Beach cop Derick Kuilan not only spent a shift drinking with hot women in South Beach but also took one on an ATV joyride that nearly killed two beachgoers lying in his path.
• Still best known for the most annoying song ever about "boots wit da fur," rapper Flo Rida finally got back in the headlines — for drunkenly weaving around SoBe in a million-dollar Bugatti.
• Republican power player Lincoln Diaz-Balart left Congress to plot regime change in Cuba, but in the meantime he's been making some bank by pimping for Malaysian casino giant Genting as its top local lobbyist.
• Thanks to a tell-all biography of Tea Party queen Sarah Palin, Heat legend Glen Rice admitted he once shagged the hockey mom back when she was an Alaska sportscaster and he was a Michigan Wolverines star.
• Even as Miami cops shot and killed seven suspects in a seven-month streak, Mayor Tomás Regalado and police Chief Miguel Exposito were too busy pointing fingers and reporting each other to the FBI to do anything about it.
• Busted for running an $880 million Ponzi scheme, Napoleonic ex-University of Miami booster Nevin Shapiro tried to bring down the school by alleging he'd paid off Hurricane athletes with cash, hookers, and parties.
• In his first term as a U.S. representative, David Rivera faces open investigations from multiple agencies, in part because a local casino mysteriously paid wads of cash to a company his mom owned while he fought for the company's interests.
• After ruining American Idol with her banal commentary, Jennifer Lopez lost whatever love Miami had left by divorcing good-guy hubby and superstar crooner Marc Anthony.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Former Hurricane Brett Romberg Calls Jonathan Martin "a Piece of Garbage"
Thu., Sep. 3, 6:35pm
Fri., Sep. 4, 11:30am
Fri., Sep. 4, 6:35pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 11:30am
- There Are a Lot More Educated Young Women in Miami Than Men (Which Is Why You're Single)
- The Sane (but Sort of Lazy) Person's Guide to Early Hurricane Preparation