Florida Woman Kicks Cop in Groin, Offers to Kiss the Boo-Boo
Florida was feeling particular gross this week.
Illustration by Alvaro Diaz-Rubio
A lot of weird things happen in Florida every week, and we're here every Friday to share the weirdness with you. However, we warn you that this week's batch of stories is mostly depraved. We have a blowjob entrepreneur who tried to get out of arrest by offering to pleasure an officer she just kicked in the groin, a Walmart masturbator with a lot of problems, and a crack-smoking woman who is nothing if not polite to a fault. But don't worry — it's not all cringe-worthy crime. We found at least one story of heartwarming redneckery.
Palm Beach Correction
Florida Woman Kicks Officer in Groin, Then Offers Him Oral Sex
Beatrize Carrion-Moore must have sent quite the shock through West Palm Beach society when she got intoxicated at Boonies Bar and started offering other patrons oral sex in exchange for money. Apparently, the 23-year-old had already tried to pull the same stunt in the same bar just a week earlier. The would-be blowjob tycoon's plans came to an end, however, when a manager at the bar called police to have her escorted out.
An officer showed up and asked her to leave, but Carrion-Moore decided she wanted to carry on more at Boonies. So the cop tried to place the woman in handcuffs. She slipped away, however, and began kicking at deputies. She landed several kicks to an officer's groin and thigh. Once she was finally in custody and in the back of the officer's car, she reverted to her apparent favorite thing to do: offering someone a blowjob. She said she'd trade oral sex for her freedom. Instead, she ended up being booked for trespassing after warning, resisting arrest with violence, and battery on a law enforcement officer.
Compulsive Public Masturbator Caught Wiping Away "Evidence" at Walmart
There's a whole lot going on in this story and, apparently, in Taylor Davis's psyche. The 20-year-old was spotted by a security guard at a Kissimmee Walmart touching himself through a hole he cut in a black hoodie. What's worse is that he was in the baby section of the store, but the fact that he left that area to follow a woman didn't make it any better. The guard also noted Taylor was wearing headphones.
Eventually, Taylor was seen wiping away the fruits of his labor on three boxes of Hefty trash bags (which, yes, were then placed in trash bags and thrown out). An Osceola County Sheriff's deputy showed up and found Davis sitting in his car in the parking lot. Davis told the deputy that he had masturbated in public before and needed help controlling himself. It was also discovered that Davis was using the headphones to listen to pornography. He was charged with disorderly conduct and criminal mischief.
This is at least the second time in the past six months that a man has been arrested for manually pleasuring himself to completion in a Florida Walmart.
Carolyn Sue Luna
Manatee Sheriff's Dept.
Woman Caught With Crack Pipe Asks Officer: "Do You Want to Smoke Some on It?"
You can't say all Floridians are rude. Carolyn Sue Luna had her best crack-sharing manners when she was sitting in the back a police car this past Sunday. A Manatee County Sheriff's deputy spotted the 37-year-old and took her into custody on an outstanding warrant. He noticed Luna seemed under the influence and then saw a napkin with something inside that had been hidden underneath the back seat of his patrol car. In the napkin was a glass pipe, which Luna admitted was hers. "Do you want to smoke some on it?" she asked the officer. He declined.
Professional Wrestler Uses Camaro to Pull Out Son's Tooth
The Daily Mail has way too many details about this story, but we'd just like to point out two things:
- This is the kind of innocent, feel-good WTF Floridaness we'd like to see more of, especially after this week's batch of depressingly dark tales.
- Does his license plate say "BALLS62"?