Honestly, if you're gonna survive 96 hours of Winter Music Conference, Miami Music Week, and Ultra Music Festival, your emergency EDM supply kit will need to include a gas mask, goggles, a bikini and/or banana hammock, nighttime shades, and enough pep pills to keep your beat-freaking ass from falling asleep for the next four days.
But you'll also need a party plan. Without a close, comprehensive accounting of all your raging and raving options, WMC/MMW/Ultra week could leave you emotionally crippled and physically crushed.
So be safe, beat freaks. Here is a daily schedule of club bashes for Winter Music Conference and Miami Music Week.
Party guide for Winter Music Conference and Miami Music Week
THURSDAY, MARCH 22
Circo Loco. With Seth Troxler, Matthias Tanzmann, David Squillace, Ellen Allien, Clive Henry, and others. 11 a.m. at the Surfcomber Hotel, 1717 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-7715; surfcomber.com. Tickets cost $55 to $65 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Yes, Circo Loco's official mascot is a crazy, Afro-rocking, tongue-wagging, googly-eyed clown. But believe us, face paint at a pool party is straight stupid. After only a half-hour of swimming, sweating, and uhntz-uhntz-ing, the makeup will melt, bleed into your eyes, and leave you functionally blind. So just stick to a swimsuit, snorkel, and glowsticks.
Skrillex's OWLSA Miami. With Zedd, Kill the Noise, Dillon Francis, Koan, Alvin Risk, and others. Noon at the Raleigh Hotel, 1775 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-534-6300; raleighhotel.com. Three-day VIP passes cost $800 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Slip into some Skrillex-approved poolside attire (skinny jeans, dirty T-shirt, black nail polish) and dubstep down to the Raleigh's pool for a party with the ex-screamo kid and his OWLSA label crew.
Sharam. With Nicole Moudaber, Layo & Bushwacka, Ahmet Sendil, and others. 10 p.m. at Set, 320 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-531-2800; setmiami.com. Tickets cost $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Straight outta Iran, Deep Dish cofounder, Yoshitoshi Recordings mastermind, and 42-year-old disc jockey Sharam is gonna be dropping dance-floor bombs on South Beach.
Sebastian Ingrosso and Alesso's Calling Miami. With Otto Knows. 11 p.m. at Wall Lounge at W South Beach, 2201 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-938-3131; wallmiami.com. Eight-person table reservation costs $8,000 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. If you're feeling extra-Swedish after leaving the Masquerade Motel, go blow eight grand on another six hours of poppin' bottles and coppin' beats with Mafia man Sebastian Ingrosso and fellow meatball-eater Alesso.
Tiësto. With Cedric Gervais. 11 p.m. at LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $300 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. It probably won't be as epic as shooting corks at the pilot of the Tiësto jet with Swedish House Mafia. Still, though, according to New Times' very own poll, this Dutch DJ is the Led Zeppelin of EDM. So we can always hope, hope, hope for groupies humping sharks at 169 bpm.
FRIDAY, MARCH 23
Windish Agency Showcase. With Diplo, Skream, Caspa, Busy P, Drop the Lime, and Others. 10 p.m. at Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Ages 21 and up. Ever dreamed about wilding out with Diplo, a bunch of other DJs, and their agents? Well, just hit up the Windish showcase. It'll be the best office party of the week.
No. 19 Social Experiment/Supernature. With Art Department, Maceo Plex, Soul Clap, Audiofly, Shaun Reeves, and others. 10 p.m. at Mamushka's, 31 NW 36th St., Miami; 786-991-3823; mamushkagallery.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Despite its scary code name, this midtown throwdown isn't a CIA operation involving synthetic drugs, human testing, and weird interrogation techniques. Just a night of rad bangers, cheap booze, and bumping junk with strangers.
Mixmag in Miami. With Designer Drugs, Steve Aoki, Chase & Status, Pendulum, Riva Starr, and others. 10 p.m. at the Ice Palace, 59 NW 14th St., Miami; 305-347-7400; big-time.com. Tickets cost $31.80 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Overdose on Designer Drugs. Get blasted in the face with superexpensive champagne by Steve Aoki. And party like an EDM journalist with Mixmag, the "world's biggest-selling dance music magazine."
Dirty South. With Thomas Gold and Tommy Trash. 10 p.m. at Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Six-person table reservations cost $1,500 to $4,000 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Yes, the average cost of Tommy Trash-ing a Mansion with Mr. Gold and Dirty South is $458.30 per person plus fees. Break out the black card, beat freaks.
Mad Decent's Manatee Grove. With Diplo, Dillon Francis, Brenmar, Jackmaster, Sinden, and others. Midnight at Villa 221, 221 NE 17th St., Miami; 305-416-5280; villa221.com. Tickets cost $10 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. They aren't called sea cows for nothing. So saddle that manatee, float up the Miami River, and meet us at the Grove. This shit's gonna be Mad Decent.
SATURDAY, MARCH 24
Pacha Ibiza's Annual Classics Pool Party. With Bob Sinclar, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Norman Doray, Goldfish, Jon Cowan, and others. Noon at the Shelborne Beach Resort, 1801 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-531-1271; shelborneevents.com. Tickets cost $50 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. According to the official hype and event flyer, the Pacha pool party dress code is "no bare feet, balls to the wall, boobs out." Say, spike heels, grass skirt, no shirt.
John Digweed's Bedrock/Creations Gathering. With Sean Drake and Nitebloom. 9 p.m. at the Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Tickets cost $50 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. As an elder statesman of EDM, Sir John Digweed invites you to another edition of his annual symposium on the art of the uhntz-uhntz at the Vagabond. It shall be silky.
Future Perfect. With Brenmar, Christian Martin, Destructo, Harvard Bass, Jokers of the Scene, and others. 10 p.m. at the Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Time travel is expensive, dude. So just spend $15, save yourself a fortune, and step into the Pickle for a glimpse of the Future Perfect.
Paul Van Dyk's Evolution Album Release. With Cosmic Gate. 10 p.m. at the Ice Palace, 71 NW 14th St., Miami; 305-672-5117; big-time.com. Tickets cost $42.40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. German electronic music genius Paul Van Dyk (born Matthias Paul) isn't just Rolling Stone's 40th top musical tweeter. He's a beat-freaking professor of Evolution.
Pretty Lights Music's Record Label Showcase. With Gramatik, Break Science, Michal Menert, Paper Diamond, Paul Basic, and others. 10 p.m. at Mekka, 950 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-371-3773; mekkamiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Drop a tab. Free your ass. Follow the beat. Find that great DJ in the sky. Behold the Pretty Lights.
SUNDAY, MARCH 25
Mau5trap. With Feed Me, Moguai, Steve Duda, Kill the Noise, and others. 10 p.m. at Amnesia, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; amnesiamiami.com. Tickets cost $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Yes, a little rodent has finked, confirming that the Mau5trap bash's "Very Special Gue5t" will indeed be the King Rat himself. So buy the cheese, take the ride, and go meet the Mau5.
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Big Gigantic. With Plastician, Keys N Krates, Nobody Beats the Drum, Grandtheft, Tjani, and others. 10 p.m. at Eve, 1306 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-538-2424; miamieve.com. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up. Currently located on "Earth" and influenced by "people, places, and things," the Big Gigantic is just a couple of Colorado dudes throwing beats into infinity.
Space's Closing Party. With Victor Calderone, Paco Osuna, Ida Engberg, the Martinez Brothers, Guti, and others. 10 p.m. at Space, 34 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-375-0001; clubspace.com. Tickets cost $25 to $45 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The price tag of an actual trip into outer space is about $200,000. But for $25 (and a little drug money), you can go zooming through Space Miami like Laika the Russian Cosmo-Dog on an interstellar EDM adventure.
Made in Miami. With Murk's Oscar G and Ralph Falcon, Steve Lawler, Nic Fanciulli, and Lazaro Casanova. 11 p.m. at Dream Nightclub, 1532 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-8018; dreammia.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. A lot of stuff is made in Miami, like cigars, pornography, and illegal horse meat. But the 305's top product has gotta be that hard and heavy house music cooked, cut, and sold by straight SoFla gangstas like Oscar G, Ralph Falcon, and Lazaro Casanova. Support your local beat dealer!
Sander Kleinenberg's This Is Miami. With Pleasurekraft and Kraver. 10 p.m. at Shine at the Shelborne Beach Resort, 1801 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-341-1455; shinesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. After 96 hours in clubland, has your party plan fallen to pieces, leaving you drunk, drugged, disoriented, emotionally crippled, and physically crushed? Well, just listen to Sander Kleinenberg when he says, "This is Miami. We're at Winter Music Conference or Miami Music Week or whatever. And it's almost over."