How to Host a Hurricane Watch Party Like a True Miamian: A Guide

Somebody asked me this past week, "What's a hurricane party?"

Listen, it's exactly what it sounds like.

One thing about us Miamians is that we use any and every excuse to party. So much so that up until last year, Publix used to sell Hurricane-themed cakes that have since been discontinued due to being insensitive.

For true Miamians (who have been in the 305 since the '90s or at least the '00s), we know a thing or two about throwing the perfect hurricane party.
We know there's a 90 percent chance the electricity will go out and your mom will be on the phone with FPL until 10 p.m. We know those batteries your abuela bought at CVS or Publix will finally be put to good use. We know you should run to fill up all of your cars with gas today to avoid the lines at the pump, and we know all the perishable items in the fridge should be eaten first.

However, we also know that since we're hunkered down together, we might as well party.

We're talking plenty of booze, plenty of snacks (pastelitos, dips, Publix chicken tenders, Publix Pub Subs, Publix dips, croquetas, portable speakers, portable chargers, coolers filled with ice, bottles of water, and even more Publix snacks.

Although South Florida is lucky enough to be spared by Hurricane Milton's path predicted by meteorologists and the National Hurricane Center, which is now a Category 4 hurricane aimed at the Tampa Bay metropolitan area, we will still feel tropical storm-level winds, flash floods, and potential storm surges in Miami, which can only mean one thing:

It's time to throw a hurricane party in your living room.

Below, check out New Times' essential guide to throwing the most epic hurricane party. Because there ain't no party like a hurricane party.

1. Go to Publix Right Now to Load Up on Non-Perishable Snacks

Publix will be your lifeline leading up to the peak of any hurricane — especially when it hits just slightly north or south of Miami. Here, pick up foot-long Publix chicken tender Pub Subs that can be cut in half, or, pick up a party tray of chicken tenders or popcorn chicken (whatever they have available — go soon or they may sell out). Then, flock to the cold prepared foods section for mini sandwiches, pastelitos, croquetas, dips, and more. Head to the snack aisle to load up on every chip variety available (from platano chips to tortilla chips). Grab some non-perishable dips like Cheez Whiz — these are desperate times, people. Near check out, grab some bags of ice. You're going to need them for the cooler.

2. All Hurricane Parties Are Always BYOB

While you, the host, will definitely have beers and mixers and maybe a handle of vodka on hand, remind your guests and family members that this is a "bring your own booze" situation because the more, the merrier — and the night may last anywhere from a couple of hours to more than 24 hours. Plus, for good measure, there should be around ten cases of beer on deck (most are for the host). Bonus points for serving mojitos, Cuba Libres, and other actual cocktails. P.S.: Hurricane parties aren't for your fancy bottles of wine. Save those for other rainy days, please. Now is the time to pass around High Noons and Coronas.

3. Portable Speakers — There's No Way Your Primo Has a Generator

Have someone bring a portable speaker if you do not currently own one. The hurricane may last anywhere from ten to 20 hours, and the electricity most likely will go out if you're not hosting the hurricane party at a condominium. Since power outages even happen during weak storms in Miami, have a portable speaker on deck, as well as portable chargers and portable, battery-operated handheld fans. Also, bonus points for having flashlights. (Plus, they're great for telling spooky stories of hurricanes past over a lukewarm High Noon.)

4. Provide Some Sort of Entertainment — Electricity May Go Out

Since you, your neighbors, your primos, and maybe even that awkward coworker you felt bad for so you invited over will all be smushed together in your kitchen/living room because all of the outdoor furniture has been thrown into la piscina (the pool) or is in a giant pile of shambles (that will absolutely hurt your dad's back in five days when he complains how heavy they are), think ahead and whip out your abuelo's domino table, or, make sure you have playing cards on deck to play with. (Of course, drinking games are always welcomed.)

5. Prepare to Have Some Guests Stay Overnight

Uber will be unavailable, and if things get bad, this is your chosen family until the flooding stops. Prepare accordingly (and be prepared to have toilets that do not flush).

6. Have the Weather Channel or Your Local News Station Blasting at All Hours

The vivid colors of the hurricane being projected on TV will be the "stobe light" at this kinda party, if you will. Therefore, there is no need for mood lighting. As long as you can slightly hear the television for the nightly forecast, you'll be a responsible party host.