Jake Gyllenhaal was on Man vs. Wild last night. He offered to skin a rotten sheep carcass so that he and Bear Grylls, the host of MvW, could use the sheep's wool for warmth. He also took off his clothes before wading through water for bigger ratings to keep his clothes dry. Sounds like riveting television.
This isn't the first time that a celebrity has braved the wild with Grylls -- Will Ferrell guest starred in a previous episode. Both actors were able to hold their own alongside wildman Grylls (who climbed Mount Everest when he was only 23 years old). Do Americans enjoy watching already successful people becoming even more successful by doing well even when out of their element, such as Ferrell and Gyllenhaal did on Man vs. Wild? Or do we enjoy watching people turn into a hot mess? The answer is obvious. So here are five celebrities we want to see on Man vs. Wild.
5. Any actor from the Twilight series
We're not picky. We'll take any of 'em: Deadward, Jacob's Belly...whatever. We know those are the characters they play, but we haven't cared enough to find out the actors' names. Set any one of those entitled, no-talent imbeciles in the wild without their iPhone and without a Starbucks latte, and watch the hysterics ensue. Now, that's good television.
4. Any of the Kardashians
Again, we really don't care that they have individual names. As far as we know, as they crawled out of their mom, she just assigned them a number signifying potential earnings. Due to the sisters' resourcefulness and eating disorders, we don't think they'd have too hard a time on Man vs. Wild -- until they realized that there was no camcorder to capture their directorial debut -- Kim vs. Grylls: Inside the Tent.
3. Mila Kunis
Okay, we're not gonna lie. We love Mila Kunis. We just want to see her get naked and wade through water in slow-mo on our DVR.
2. Pia Toscano
We don't even know who she is save for the fact that she is a former American Idol contestant whose first single dropped today. That's all we need to know. We'd love to have any of those brainless contestants on Man vs. Wild. You can't sing for your supper in the rainforest, morons. Kelly Clarkson rules!
If cast, we think that Elsa (from the Real Housewives of Miami) would perform a autopsy-like Y-incision on Bear Grylls and use his chest cavity to warm her feet during a snowstorm. This would be after she tore off his testicles with her bare teeth and ate them for the protein. Which would be after she performed some sort of pagan ritual involving Gryll's tears and an old Tampon. Sign her up already!