Step aside, every other city in America -- especially you, Tampa.
Miami does a lot of foods better than you.
Sure, you can give us shit about a few things. Like Celia said, our English is not very good-looking. Weird things happen here. We make the news for all the wrong reasons. And we really don't know how to drive.
But guess what? We rock at the Colombian hot dog. We sell ceviche on every corner. We serve our hamburgers on Cuban bread and stuff them with deep-fried julienned potatoes. So drop the freaking 'tude. You only wish you had ten things as awesome as these.
10. Batido de Mamey at Los Pinareños Frutería
All other milkshakes, relinquish your crown. This zenith of fruit epitomizes Miami in a cup. It's a glorious beverage -- one that's whirled around in a rickety blender, served in a condensing Styrofoam cup, and sipped at an alfresco frutería called Los Pinareños in Calle Ocho. So ensconce yourself on a wooden stool and order un batidito de mamey. Watch the owner, Junior, mix fresh Homestead fruit with whole milk and clumps of white sugar. Sneer at friends who favor Shake Shack's frozen custard. Savor the sweet nectar of triumph.
9. French Vinaigrette at La Sandwicherie
If this French vinaigrette ($9) were a meme, it'd be Miley Cyrus mid-twerk. If this sauce were a moment in history, it'd be Madonna and Britney Spears smooching onstage. Because this yellow-tinged liquid isn't just delicious. It can make you love raw onions. It can help you finish a croissant sandwich loaded with pâté and Brie. This French vinaigrette will make you do things you never thought you'd do. Like watch the VMAs again.
French vinaigrette wins.
8. Alligator Ribs at Nemesis Urban Bistro
You know who eats gator nuggets? The same people who enjoy airboat tours of the Everglades. You don't want to be one of those people. (But even if you are, at least you're not from Tampa.) Which is why Nemesis Urban Bistro, a whimsical restaurant in downtown, proffers alligator ribs ($27) -- a juicy succession of rich flesh. Pluck apart these reptile bones so tasty you'll never eat pork again, and have at it. Lesson learned: GO, GATORS!
7. Punch at the Broken Shaker
Know this: Miami is a cocktail town. We spike juices with aged cachaça and Santa Teresa rum better than anyone else. And nobody does this with more finesse than the Broken Shaker, a vintage-inspired bar where you can score some seriously fancy punch. On occasion, the bar adds edible flowers to the pot. Other times, it mixes in champagne. Sometimes, the Broken Shaker adds both. Whatever the Bar Lab boys do, they do it right.
6. Pan con Lechón at Papo Llega y Pon
Papo Llega y Pon has a fun name. It also makes pan con lechón that tastes as good as Leonardo DiCaprio's new hair bun looks. So maybe you really do "accidentally" find yourself in front of this dingy spot in Allapattah on a regular basis. We understand. Stuffing your face with a whole loaf of Cuban bread crammed with pork isn't a easy thing to resist. Why? Because no other city owns lechón like we do.
5. Pan Con Bistec at Enriqueta's
We aren't ready to talk about what happened in April, a time when the skies turned to slate and a sandwich shop in Wynwood closed temporarily due to an electrical fire. Our dreams of pan con bistec were squashed -- perhaps indefinitely. And then! Just a week or so ago, the heavens grew from grey to blue and Enriqueta's reopened with brand new, shiny interiors and a delectable dose of papitas-laden hope. Now we eat two or three sandwiches and complain to out-of-towners about how full we feel. When, really, we're not complaining at all. #humblefoodbrag
4. Frita at El Mago de las Fritas
Miami is an enterprising town. Because burgers can sometimes be mushy things -- a stacked mess of squishy meat, melted cheese, and doughy buns. Where is the texture? Where is the CRUNCH? So, many, many years ago, we started making Cuban fritas -- burgers stuffed with deep-fried julienned potatoes. Some folks have tried to beat us at this one. (Ann Arbor, we're on to you.) But El Mago is called El Mago for a reason. No one can trump the wizard.
3. Colada at Tinta y Café
Do you work in Brickell? Then you must abide by this rule: You must always, always share your colada from Tinta y Café with your coworkers. Don't you dare show up to your office cradling your cafecito like a newborn. You must return prepared -- carrying those absurd tiny plastic cups and ready to share your brew. Where else does this sort of generosity occur? Nowhere. Miami makes great Cuban coffee. And we are gracious about it too.
2. Ceviche de Aji Amarillo at My Ceviche
In Miami, ceviche joints are as prevalent as potholes. In other cities, ceviche is kind of a rare thing -- served mostly at Peruvian joints, fusions spots, and the like. Here we have spots like My Ceviche, a chef-driven, fast-casual restaurant proffering the stuff with wild-caught, local fish ($11.75). So that's why we're good at it. Because it's everywhere. Because we love it and eat it all the time.
1. Supermoon Perro at La Moon
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This hot dog's name sounds like it should belong to a comic book hero. But it doesn't. (Though maybe it should.) It actually belongs to La Moon's signature hot dog ($5.25), a Colombian dog loaded with smoked sausage, bacon, and a quail egg. Sure, there are one or two Colombian joints selling these lattice-topped dogs in Los Angeles. And, ok, maybe a few more in Queens, New York. But Miami has places like La Perrada de Edgar, Los Perros, Munchie's, and the crowned king of the perro colombiano: La Moon. So there.
Your move, New York.
Follow Emily on Twitter @EmilyCodik.