You could say fat runs in my family. Like, genetically. That's my great grandpa to the right. They called him Chins Mulliggan.
He was an Irish gangster. A hard drinking killer that carried tripe in his overcoat pockets, and taught my father to do the same.
So I don't entirely blame the fast food industry for suckering me into a lifelong obsession with fried foods via the toys they used to market their food to me as a kid.
Fact is I probably would've weighed 320 regardless. Plus, I still collect the toys.
Here are some of my favorite retro fast food toys:
10. Burger King, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Late '80s, early '90s: I used to have the whole collection until my older brother made a bong out of Leonardo. Don't ask where he put the bowl.
9. Long John Silver's, Free Willy 2 - Early 90's: Gotta love the irony of a fish house with a sad whale for a toy.
8. McDonald's, Hamburglar hand puppet - '80s: Me and this guy had some good times. He was my partner in crime. We used to jack fools for cheeseburgers together.
7. Hardee's, California Raisins - 1988: Did anybody else have the Meet The Raisins album on tape? Man those wrinkly fuckers could sure carry a tune. I miss them.
6. Dairy Queen, Double Dip Ice Cream Cone Fishing Lure & Whistle - '98 and '91: If you've ever gotten high and mistaken a piece of plastic for actual food then you know as well as I do that plastic shards will cut you to hell. Do not swallow.
5. McDonald's, Ronald McDonald watch - 1984: Back in the day if you had one of these you could tell people your name was Don Ron McDon, stone cold pimp.
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4. McDonald's, Fast Food Doll House: I told my parents not to let my sister get this. She's been working at McDonald's since she was 6 years old.
3. Burger King, Cookin' With Alf - 1988: Me and this illegal alien ate so many damn burgers together we got caught at least ten times by the I.N.S., the imminent nasty shits.
2. McDonald's, Transforming Food Toys - '80s and '90s: These were always awesome, and the old metal ones really hurt when someone threw em' at your head.
1. Burger King, Classic Movie Glasses - '80s: Without question these are the coolest limited edition product ever put out by a fast food company. They are functional collectibles. I drink out of mine everyday. Juice, whiskey, juice mixed with whiskey....nothin' beats ET and Star Wars.