Ever scroll down Instagram and suddenly get the urge to eat your phone? You're either (a) tripping on mushrooms, (b) an avid foodie who gets the gastronomic news through the visual social-media platform, or (c) both. Well, maybe you should put the phone down so you don't wind up with it in your stomach.
What follows is the best food porn on Instagram, a mélange from the city's top bloggers and chefs who eat (duh), sleep, and breathe food. Warning: If you're hungry, licking your screen won't help.
If meat is what you want, meat is what you'll get when scoping out Sean Brasel's Instagram feed. The executive chef of Meat Market is pretty good at capturing his steaks in action. The only reason he's not higher on this list is because his Instagram is private, and that's a big no-no when it comes to food photography (why even hashtag if your feed is private?). Anyway, if you're lucky enough to be accepted into his fan club, the amazing things you'll see include wood-roasted prime bone marrow, Aussie tomahawks, and charcuterie boards laden with pata negra and foie gras.
Bradley Kilgore is undoubtedly one of the most talented chefs in the city. With the impending opening of Alter in February, his Instagram feed is one to watch, not only because you get to see what the chef is cooking, but also because he has an eye for aesthetics and capturing the essence of dishes, be it his own or a chef buddy's. You'll see his favorite spots around town, as well as previews for what's to come when Alter debuts.
Anyone who can make onions look good probably has a knack for taking food pictures. Sure, there might be a lot of photos of his buddy Brad Kilgore, but Javier Ramirez (AKA GourmandJ) and he are now partners in Alter, so they're documenting their restaurant romance along the way. It's cute and quite lovely to behold. Almost as lovely as GourmandJ's photos of chocolate chip cookies oozing their innards and a mountain of tagliatelle topped with wild mushrooms, white truffle sabayon, and shaved white truffles.
Sure, Edge Steak & Bar executive chef Aaron Brooks might occasionally post photos of his kids, but they're either wearing chef's hats while learning to cook, picking turnips, or longing for a funnel cake they can't reach. We dig the whole chef-dad thing, and Brooks is a class act when it comes to the kitchen. You can see his passion through his Insta, from traveling to farms for fresh produce to selecting his favorite meat -- lamb -- Brooks documents his food-filled life and does a solid job of making you hungry along the way.
It's not easy eating all of that food, but someone has to do it. The man up to the task is Sef Gonzalez, AKA Burger Beast. BB is all about comfort food. Think lots of croquetas, burgers, pastelitos, pizza, and pretty much a whole lotta nothing that's good for you but tastes oh so good. Like maple bacon doughnuts -- #aymama. That hashtag, by the way, means it's Burger Beast-approved. The only drawback is that those doughnuts are in Sanibel. Oh well, as Burger Beast states in his bio: "Will travel for food." You should do the same.
For desserts that defy the laws of physics and have their own personality, follow Four Seasons pastry chef Keith Wallace. Red velvet profiteroles filled with dulcey mousse? Check. Pumpkin milkshakes? Yep. Mini chocolate croissants? Definite check. Two-foot-tall chocolate showpieces? You'll get a sugar rush just looking at his feed.
Instagram can cause ripples in the fabric of time. OK, not exactly, but it can make you order honey you've never heard of from Brooklyn and take it to Ironside Pizza. If that's not Insta-power, what is? But spicy pizza and sweet honey are only the beginning of a beautiful gourmet friendship. You'll go to dinners together (or feel as if you're there through all the awesomely angled pictures), you'll learn about weird things (like whiskey toothpaste), and you'll do a whole lot of drinking (the best part of any friendship). But most important, Chat Chow will never guide you down the wrong path, because foodie friends don't let friends eat bad food. Rather, he'll take you on the yellow brick road to the most delicious things in Miami and beyond.
Did you know Pubbelly serves cronuts for brunch? You would if you followed the Hungry Post. And then you'd probably head there to try them yourself. That's what this aptly named Instagram does -- makes you hungry. From Galician-style octopus on a Friday to celebrate the end of the workweek to warm chocolate pie on a cool Sunday afternoon, the Hungry Post documents every step of its edible journey by capturing the essence of each dish up close. The goal: to make you feel as if you tried the food without actually being there (although now you probably will head over). Mission accomplished.
Sometimes you just want a beefaroni grilled cheese sandwich or a colossal cream cheese, guava paste, and Abuela Maria cookie sandwich. Local blogger Fat Girl Hedonist understands you and your gastronomic desires, which is why she comes up with wondrous things that leave you perplexed at how you've lived your whole life without them. Follow her to know where to find Oreo Heath Bar Crunch ice cream (Wall's Old Fashioned), which item you should really order at Shake Shack (the Dogmeister with bacon), and for all the wonderful creations she comes up with herself. Kids, do try this at home.
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Anyone who makes hundreds of snowman bonbons deserves praise and an Instagram follow (he already boasts 74,000 followers, and that's after the purge). J&G Grill pastry wizard Antonio Bachour takes you into his wonderland of sugar -- one filled with more bonbons than you ever dreamed imaginable, the kind that look like the dragon eggs from Game of Thrones. But it's not all bonbons and games. There are also golden macarons, key lime tarts topped with coconut-whipped ganache, and 15-tier wedding cakes. Might not be the best Instagram to follow if you're on a diet. Heck, looking at it might prompt you to plunge a spoon into a pint of gelato from your freezer because driving to the St. Regis for a bonbon might be a bit too much. Thanks a lot, Bachour.
Follow Carla on Twitter @ohcarlucha