The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world. -- Robert Orben
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. -- Lynda Montgomery
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going, "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds. I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing." -- Denis Leary.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. -- Joan Rivers
Last time I went to the movies, I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a barbecue in a long time. -- Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright
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There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. -- Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra-medium." -- Steven Wright
A friend got some vinegar in his ear; now he suffers from pickled hearing. -- anonymous