A Hilarious and Depraved Interview With Comedian Ralphie May

Ralphie May is a funny bastard. He is astute, witty, and debauched. Just the sound of his Southern twang makes audiences smile. This former drug-dealer-turned-gourmet-chef-turned comedian will be in town performing at Magic City Casino Saturday, September 13.

New Times: I consider plumpish people, especially the affluent ones, as sort of food connoisseurs, akin to porn stars being sex experts. Do you consider yourself a foodie?

Ralphie May: Ya, I was a chef before making it in stand-up comedy. I cooked in the Four Seasons in Houston and then NOLA's, Emeril Lagasse's restaurant [in New Orleans]. I made different types of sauces that blew people away and got accredited.

In Miami, what are your must-eat-at spots?

Oh man, you know I love Cuban food, I really do. I love the audacity that the Cuban men have. They will flirt with your wife in front of you. It's pretty hilarious, so I respect the game. It's like, dude, you are flirting with my wife right in front of me. I want to punch you in the face, but honestly I got too much respect for you.

You have made many appearances on the Paul Castronovo and Young Ron Brewer radio show. If it came down to an eating contest between you, Paul, and Young Ron, who would prevail?

You know, I gotta be honest -- probably my daughter. Kind of big-boned, and I think that she could put away the groceries. I think I'd go down. There is no way I could contend. It's the ones you don't see coming that will get you. I call it like I see it.

We should do one when you're in town, maybe a huge cauldron of Anthony's famous meatballs. I think a lot of people would like to see Young Ron choking on some balls.

That would be awesome -- what a great Christmas card. [Laughs.] Young Ron Brewer, what an oxymoron. I just have to say [choking sound], what a good day at work. You're hilarious.

I'd love to video the reactions of buffet owners when you walk in with a ginormous bib on. You want to participate?

Yes, that sounds hilarious. I think we can start there and go a little crazy with it.

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Ari Kane