If one were to envision the sex life of your average shmazillionaire rapper based on their lyrical content, the picture developed would be downright obscene.
We're not talking high-budget HD cuddle porn shit. If their rhymes are to be believed, the libidinal reality of the average MC is more akin to a brightly-lit gymnasium filled with 500 people doing the nasty.
But in real reality (which, for the sake of this blip on the content-sphere, we're going to simply assume exists), the carnal exploits of hip-hop's biggest names reads more like the epic and vertiginous erotica of Gabriel García Márquez's world-renowned novel, and smutfest, One-Hundred Years of Solitude.
If you thought Márquez had planted some dizzyingly complicated family trees, and pervily constructed the absolutely freaky-deekiest lovemaking scenes, wait'll you get a load of this (allegedly) semen-stained labyrinth of gossip.
This story starts with rap video fly-girl Karrine Steffans being mad crazy about Lil' Wayne. Like, getting-multiple-tattoos-inspired-by-him, crazy. The pair have had an on-and-off relationship for years, but recently it seems like, lately, Steffans has been getting especially hot under the collar.
The notorious author of the Vixen book series - which details the salacious everyday life of being a celebrity sex-pot - has announced she will be publishing a new tell-all about her extended relationship with the YMCM mogul. And to promote the hottest, most scandal-enducing tome since The Starr Report, the notorious cam-obsessed model posted a video to her Tumblr of her writhing around in lingerie and cryptically reading excerpts.
We kind of wish Karrine had saved the art-haus skinema act for later and gave us the following information from Martian:
I walked into his tour bus, determined to leave him. I'd found out about the baby. His baby. Sickened, I fell into his arms, tears streaming down my face and onto his shirt.
I needed him, still. But I couldn't stay and watch him give someone else everything I wanted. He kissed me and ran his hand under my skirt. He told me he loved me.
I told him I loved him but it was over. Then, I turned and ran off the bus and into the arms of one of the closest people to him. And he would never forgive me.
Certain internet muckrakers have concluded that the anonymous-and-horny Judas in question is none other than Weezy's protege, Drizzy Drake himself. But all Steffans reveals is that it was someone close to Birdman Junior. And there's nothing that points to Drake in particular as the offending semenator.
If you ask us, everybody is suspect, from Cash Money founder Slim to new recruit, Tyga, and even (or maybe especially) Nicki Minaj!
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