| Flotsam |

To Serve and Nut-Check: What If Police Slogans Told the Truth?

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Nearly every police department has some warm and friendly motto that adorns the sides of its cruisers -- you know, something like "Courtesy, Professionalism, and Respect."

Unfortunately, about the only time you'll notice one of these slogans is when your nose is pressed up against it -- while a burnt-out, vein-popping cop jabs an elbow in your abdomen and rifles through your pockets, screaming, "Where's the shit?!"

We're all about telling it like it is here at Riptide. So we've taken a look at the axioms of a few local police departments and decided what their slogans should be in an honest world.

Miami Springs Police
Modus operandi: Speed-traps. Tons of them.
Old slogan: "Personalized Police Service."
New slogan: "Bienvenido a Paraíso. We'll Be Waiting in the Bushes for You."

Surfside Police
Modus operandi: Coralling roving bands of Metamucil-drunk geriatrics.
Old slogan: "A Rich Tradition of Community Policing."
New slogan: "Sir, Slowly Put Down the Schmear."

Biscayne Park Police
Modus operandi: Stealing people's drugs, apparently; last year, a bag of pot went missing from the evidence room.
Old slogan: "Patrolling the Village of Homes."
New slogan: "Have You Ever Watched the Wizard of Oz on Mute While Playing Pink Floyd, Man? It's Far Out."

Opa-locka Police
Modus operandi: Staying alive in America's most dangerous city.
Old slogan: "Of the People, by the People, for the People."
New slogan: "Duck, Motherfucker!"

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.