Poor Rolando Negrin. You remember him: The Miami International Airport screener who last month used his baton to beat a co-worker who had been habitually mocking the size of Negrin's penis after watching him test-run a full-body x-ray scanner.
It's gotta suck to be made into a national punchline for one news cycle and then be left to pick up the pieces of your life. Negrin lost his job; his name and "small" is now a Google suggestion; and in July, he'll face trial on charges of felony assault with a deadly weapon.
We haven't been able to reach Negrin or his public defender, Nicole Noel, so we can't confirm she'll be redefining the Twinkie Defense. But we're hoping the attorney exposes the as-yet unidentified co-worker who was mocking him. Isn't that, you know, sexual harassment? We're not saying anybody deserves to be beaten with a baton -- but when you're continually harrying another grown man about the size of his penis, you deserve to be beaten with a baton.
Clearly, we've reversed our stance on this issue since bestowing a Moron of the Week award on Negrin awhile back. Now we just want to make him feel better -- so we compiled a list of the most brutal and horrific penis-related attacks we could find. These episodes make Negrin's little baton beating look downright shriveled in comparison.
5. The Stolen Penis Bus Fire
In 2001, Nigerian Kunle Eniola accused a traveling revivalist group of stealing his penis through witchcraft. Apparently, this wasn't the first time such a claim had been made, according to the London Independent: "The accusation is sometimes used by confidence tricksters, who take advantage of the ensuing panic to rob the alleged witch."
So anyway, a group of villagers believed the guy and chased down a bus full of the revivalist travelers. They torched the vehicle, burning eight people alive.
4. The Masshole Penis Biter
So in August 2009, two 18-year-old Worcester, Massachusetts residents who "had been involved in arguments before" got into a sidewalk scuffle that didn't exactly dispel the stereotype of the mouth-breathing homoerotic Masshole. Franklin Gonzalez bit his nemesis on the penis, leaving "numerous lacerations." He managed the drunk Red Sox fan's triple crown of criminal charges: mayhem, indecent assault, and battery.
3. The Urinal Insult Pub Massacre
At a South African bar in September 2008, a man insulted the penis size of the guy at the urinal next to him. They traded some banter as they left the bathroom, sparking an argument between the two men's friends, and before you knew it, two off-duty cops who were in the penis-insulter's crew allegedly opened fire, killing four. Which is why Riptide always stares at the tile right in front of our face when we're at a bar urinal.
2. Nigerian Lorena Bobbitt
Apparently, we could do a list in Nigeria alone. In 2002, a guy named Kola Tunde saw a woman named Patience Monday buying meat at a market and politely asked her if "that was all she could buy with the money she made from prostitution," according to the Africa News. Apparently, Monday did not take kindly to the remark, because she grabbed Tunde's penis through his open zipper and "sliced" it off. The most horrifying part: Monday "told the police that she did not use any object to slice the penis, claiming that she pulled it apart with her hand."
1. "Brenda" the Premeditated Penis Confiscator
Like Rolando Negrin, Alan Hall is a bit touchy when it comes to his penis. In 1983, he killed a lover, apparently after she laughed at his erectile dysfunction, and served four years in prison. Fourteen years later, he stumbled out of his Fairfield, California trailer and collapsed in the front yard, where a neighbor found him. There was a bloody stump where his penis had been. Hall told cops that a woman named "Brenda" had seduced him and then sliced off his member with an X-Acto knife as revenge for her friend, the woman Hall had killed. But cops eventually surmised that Hall, for reasons unknown, had gone Ginsu on his own manhood.
The best part: Alan Hall listed his occupation as "pipe fitter."
Feel better, Rolando?