With the whole world waiting to watch him to fail, after two years of relentless irrational hatred from media, fans, and dickhole trolls (many of whom frequented this here blog), LeBron James came out, and unleashed the Cobradick on the masses and won himself his very first NBA championship.
Top of the key, LeBron James catches a dart thrown at him from Dwyane Wade from the corner. Three Thunder players converge as James lowers his right shoulder and begins to attack the rim. James is a blur, taking a mere two steps from the top of the arch to reach the rim. He splits two defenders, his acceleration blinding, his fury undaunted. A third OKC player steps up, but it's too late. The three defenders are overwhelmed, left in a vapor trail of basketball awesomeness. Their last bastion of hope lies in the 6-10 Serge Ibaka, who steps up underneath the basket and jumps vertically to meet James at the point of attack. Ibaka has been blocking shots the entire season, earning himself a fierce reputation for being a premier shot blocker. In the split second it takes to get into the air and make a shot, LeBron makes an instinctive decision. He contorts his body, angles his shot away from Ibaka's long arms, and kisses the ball off the glass, as if he rewrote the laws of physics while in mid-air. The shot goes down, the crowd erupts, the Heat take a 19-point lead, and never look back from that point.
James came out in the deciding Game 5 against a fiery Oklahoma City Thunder, and dropped 26 points, 11 rebounds and 13 assists on his way to a Finals MVP and his first of many FUCK YOUS and SUCK AN ENTIRE ZIPLOCK BAG OF DICK PARTS to all the Haterz and doubters he's had to deal with over the years.
LeBron's penchant for slashing the face off of anyone who gets in his way with his massive dong led the Heat to their second title in franchise history.
But he also got a little help from his friends.
Mike Miller came out, half dead and walking around like he has to take a painful shit, and dropped seven three-pointers, ending the night with 23 points. Dwyane Wade added 20 points of his own, while Chris Bosh slammed down 24 points.
During the maelstrom of asskicking, the Heat held the Thunder to under 50 percent shooting, while they shattered everyone outside of Miami's hopes and dreams into a million pieces and then took a shit on it for good measure.
So in the midst of partying, getting shitfaced and talking serious trash to that obnoxious friend of yours that actively rooted against the Heat all year like the asshole that he is, don't forget one thing.
LeBron James is the most transcendent NBA player of our generation. And we should appreciate every last ounce of that.
LeBron James, a basketball genius with the physique of a linebacker, a freight train, and a grizzly bear zapped by gamma rays, finished the championship clinching game by delivering a triple-double. It's fitting that he'd do that. James has been a triple-double machine his entire career. And now, finally, he has cemented his legacy as one of the greatest players in the history of the NBA.
To watch him bail this team out time and again throughout these playoffs has been a splendor on the hardwood. When the Heat were down in their series against the Pacers, it was LeBron who bludgeoned the Pacers back with his cock and helped Miami win the series. When the Heat were facing elimination against Boston, it was LeBron who coolly led them out of the darkness with a game for the ages, dick slapping the Celtics in front of their insufferable fans, and forcing a Game 7 that would end up being Miami's second-straight Eastern Conference Finals victory. When OKC jumped to a 1-0 series lead in these Finals, it was James who sacked up, and led the charge to four consecutive wins against the Thunder to win the title. All COBRADICK, all the time.
Even as we all watched these playoffs with frayed nerves, wrecked hearts, and sphincters clenched so tight we shat out diamonds, LeBron was there to throw down his 28 points per, get his teammates involved, and suffocate Kevin Durant with his anaconda defense, while grabbing boards and attacking the rim like it had said something nasty about his mamma.
And then there was Skip Bayless. Sitting in his First Take ESPN studio, nitpicking LeBron's every move and never acknowledging James' brilliance and transcendence. Yet LeBron answered, not with words, but with his game. If it could be translated, it would go a little something like this:
Skip: You're not a closer.
LeBron: Eat my dick.
Skip: Sure you scored 45 against the Celtics, but you're LeChoke. Which means you'll eventually fail and still end up with no rings.
LeBron: Eat your dick.
Skip: Sure you're one win away from the title, but you're going to blow it and OKC will win it at home.
LeBron: Eat Jim Rome's dick.
LeBron has been a man possessed this postseason, assaulting defenses like a one-man infantry, dislodging people's hearts and tearing opponents into shreds with his basketball prowess. He turned in the most efficient regular season in NBA history, collected his third career MVP, and then proceeded to tap everyone's nuts with a tack hammer in these playoffs on his way to sheer dominance, a Finals MVP, a ring, and Bill Simmons' balls in a pickle jar for his mantle.
No player in NBA history has ever scored more than 650 points, grabbed more than 200 rebounds and recorded more than 100 assists in the playoffs.
Let that sink into your beer soaked brain for a second. Then go right on ahead and punt a cat off a bridge. Because that is astounding. Add a championship ring into the whole thing, and the Haterz are basically silenced forever.
What can they say now?
Just sit back and either admit their wrongdoings and embrace the transcendence, or let the transcendence bludgeon them in the face until their brains explode out the backs of their skulls.
And remember, when Michael Jordan won his first title, he was 28 years old.
James just won his first at age 27.
What does that mean?
It means, PREPARE YOUR ANUS, everybody not in a Heat uniform.
In the meantime, LeBron will be polishing his three MVP trophies, his first Finals MVP trophy and his first ring.
And perfecting his transcendence.
It's been an amazing run, one where LeBron tore people new assholes and proved to the world once and for all that he is, in fact, the greatest player on the planet.
And he's on your team.
Enjoy it, Miami.
Soak it in.
Let the joy overwhelm you.
This is your time.
YOUR MIAMI HEAT ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS!!
And as for all the Haterz, doubters, trolls, dickheads, dipshits, and cockmeats like Bayless, Rome, Charles Barkley, Scott Raab, Bill Simmons, Michael Wilbon, Ric Bucher, Jon Barry, and all you assholes who came here and gave us shit over these past two seasons, we leave you with this song:
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