Author's note: The Miami Dolphins are obviously plotting to #TankForTua (University of Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa) this season. We know it, they know it, the rest of the NFL knows it, and Tagovailoa knows it. Weekly in this space, we will document last week's tanking attempts and take a peek at how the Dolphins can lose this week. It'll be fun — way more fun than watching the Dolphins win. Please do not ask us if we are sad, because we are not.
Welcome, welcome, Miami Dolphins fans, to your 2019 #TankForTua headquarters. You'll find an open bar next to the doughnuts in the back of the room. Because the Dolphins have apparently decided to use this season as a preseason for next season — one we hope will include, oh, you know, Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa under center — we've decided to document the journey here in a handy-dandy preview guide.
Normally, we'll have some sucking from last week to quickly recap, but because this is the first game in a line of (let's hope) 16 losses, we do not yet have any #TankForTua progress to speak of. Instead, we have tweets about the Dolphins tanking. Here are some of our favorites to get you primed for a must-lose game against the Baltimore Ravens this Sunday afternoon at Hard Loss Stadium.
Ryan Fitzpatrick’s first snap with the Dolphins on Sunday pic.twitter.com/jWSWQWWalL— Dolphins Tank Loader (@travisbrunk) September 5, 2019
Dolphins tank szn pic.twitter.com/YJmNwi2LaQ— Alejandro ???????? (@MiamiAlejandro) September 5, 2019
Me when the Dolphins are getting blown out in the first quarter every game: pic.twitter.com/BZ9GkyaAD2— Dolphins Tank Loader (@travisbrunk) September 4, 2019
Now on to more pressing, serious matters, like the Miami Dolphins getting their asses kicked this Sunday, all in the name of taking the first step on the way to securing the first-overall pick.
What does Las Vegas think about the Dolphins' chance of victory this Sunday?
As of this posting, the Dolphins are a touchdown underdog to the Ravens and speedy quarterback Lamar Jackson. It's likely Ryan Fitzpatrick will be sacked double-digit times. It could be very bad, yet good for the #TankForTua cause.
Being a touchdown underdog in your home opener is never a good sign, but it's actually surprising Vegas gives the Fins that much credit here.
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What are the keys to the Dolphins' losing this game?
For the Dolphins to secure the loss this Sunday, they really need to do one thing: let their offensive line do what it is
best worst at — protecting the quarterback. Fitzpatrick will be a sitting duck behind one of the worst offensive lines in football going up against a Ravens defense that gave up the fewest number of yards last season and the second-to-least number of points. Some of the names on the Ravens' defense have changed (Michael Pierce, Brandon Williams, Willie Henry, Chris Wormley, Daylon Mack, and Pernell McPhee), but they still fly around like you're used to seeing a Ravens defense do since Ray Lewis was there.
The Dolphins will get behind because they are bad. Then they will have to throw the ball, which is bad. It'll all go horribly wrong if everything comes together correctly.
What is New Times' official prediction for the game?
Baltimore 30, Miami 12. The Ravens will eventually break the Dolphins, and when they do, the floodgates will open and a fleet of tanks will roll into Hard Rock Stadium, just as the Dolphins have planned.