Justin Bieber Must Commit Crime To Become a Gangster

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty shaking music made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke doles out some advice to pop music's bad boy.

Justin Bieber is no different from Kim Kardashian. He has to do outrageous things to continue drawing attention. Now police are investigating him and his buddies for allegedly egging his neighbor's house in the exclusive community of Calabasas, California. The egg­-throwers could face felony vandalism charges because they allegedly caused $20,000 in damage.

During a search of Bieber's house, cops arrested the pop star's homie and house guest Lil Za (real name Xavier Smith) when they found Ecstasy and Xanax near his bed.

Bieber can't make up his mind. On one hand, he acts like he has Michael Jackson syndrome -- he doesn't want to grow up. Egging people's houses is what 13-year-old kids, not 19-year-old men, do. On the other hand, Bieber has also gotten into the type of trouble associated with gangsta rappers, like racing his exotic sports cars on quiet streets and confronting paparazzi trying to take photos of him.

He badly wants the world to see him as a tough guy, which is why he joined Lil Wayne as part of boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr.'s entourage -- and looked totally out of place. To get the street cred he craves, Bieber is doing things that might land him in jail.

However, the stunts he's pulled so far are nothing like Lindsay Lohan's felony cocaine possession or stealing clothes from a luxury department store. That's why his homie Lil Za took the hit on the drug charges. Last time I checked, though, if it's your house, it's your drugs.

If Bieber really wants to make the jump to gangsta rapper, he needs to get arrested for one of the following crimes:

1. Riding around town with a pound of weed in his car.

2. Trashing his hotel room after an all-night coke binge.

3. Possessing a machine gun without a federal license.

4. Making it rain at the strip club and then picking up all the dollars.

5. Getting a girlfriend pregnant and then refusing to pay child support.

Then he'll become a certified OG.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1 and @unclelukesempir.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Listen to Luke's podcast, The Luke Show.