^
Keep New Times Free
4
| Sports |

An Investigation: Is the Miami Heat's Burnie the Most Terrifying Mascot in Florida?

Does looking at Burnie cause you to sob uncontrollably?EXPAND
Does looking at Burnie cause you to sob uncontrollably?
Photo by Monica McGivern

Imagine you're Burnie, the mascot for the Miami Heat, sitting there on a quiet Tuesday morning, not bothering anyone, just sipping coffee while reading the newspaper and staring out onto Biscayne Bay. It's the off-season and you're finally looking forward to some much-needed downtime.

Then a single tweet fired off from hundreds of miles away ruins your day. Some dude took the time to put together a map. Each of the states is plastered with a corresponding picture of a mascot classified as "most terrifying." For Florida, it's you.

Burnie is the most terrifying mascot from here to the Panhandle.

Not cool, man. Totally off base and uncalled for. Not to mention, completely and utterly, factually wrong.

The opinion-based map was made by Chris Grosse, a marketing director at Penn State University. It is obviously just for fun. No mascots were hurt in the making of this map. Well, other than feelings. Mascot feelings were definitely hurt.

Grosse tells New Times (yes, we investigated this further) Burnie's features pushed him ahead of the pack. "I think it was the nose that put it over the top," Grosse says. "Huge green nose, no mouth. Frightening."

That's fair. We get that. But as most Miami Heat fans will tell you, Burnie is harmless as long as you stay away from his antics. Steer clear of anything and everything involving this animal, and you won't get hurt. Agree to his requests, and you could end up his landing spot — as in the below video.

I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

While we respect Grosse's opinion, New Times must respectfully disagree. Everyone knows the most terrifying mascot in Florida is the Miami Dolphins' T.D., whose costume includes a muscular man's torso and a dolphin head. Nightmare fuel. Not a dude you want to owe money. Not a guy you want your sister dating. Just a guy who definitely has a past and should not be trusted.

The "lights off and this mascot walks into your bedroom" test obviously reveals T.D. is the mascot you'd least like to see at 3 a.m. Burnie might be there, but only for a hug, possibly asking if it's OK if he has a glass of milk. T.D. looks as if he could kick your ass — thus, he's a tad more terrifying than a furry dude who dances too close to you with his big green basketball nose.

We're sorry a tweet ruined your Tuesday, Burnie. We hope this investigation helps you get back to your off-season.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.