Last week, BangBros — a Miami-based internet porn company you're definitely already familiar with, you liar — came in with a $10 million offer for naming rights for a decade. Many observers have scoffed at the possibility that Miami-Dade County would take BangBros up on the offer, but we at New Times are not those people. Nay, nay, we say. We like the idea, in fact. The "BBC" (BangBros Center) has a nice ring to it, and it's 2019, dammit.
We like the idea so much we put together a list showing why the team should totally consider the name change. When the Heat takes the court next season, here are four reasons it should be under the bright lights of the largest porn set in the world.
Miami and sex go together like peanut butter and jelly. The Miami Heat's telecast has always had a very Miami Heat After Dark feel. It's not that Fox Sports Sun or the team tries to make it that way — it's that sex oozes into everything South Florida does, and the Heat should embrace that fact.
The BangBros folks aren't out here selling cocaine or even telling your kids to vape. They're providing a completely legal service that is in such high demand they can afford to pay $10 million to see their company's name plastered all over a building. Sex is all around us, even when you're at a Heat game. Don't be such a prude.
The Miami Heat "BangBros" is too perfect of an answer to the Warriors' "Splash Bros." Nicknames are hard, so when you find a good one, you must hold on tight to it. That's why this incarnation of the Miami Heat — regardless of how the situation plays out — must henceforth be referred to as the "BangBros," a gritty team of basketball players who aren't afraid to get their hands, or anything else, dirty.
Think about it: Jimmy Butler takes a charge and then gets up to passionately high-five an eagerly awaiting Justise Winslow, who on the next possession makes an and-1 basket after getting hacked on the forearm. Heat play-by-play man Eric Reid shouts, "That's why they call them the BangBros!" It's almost too perfect, and we're getting goosebumps just writing about it.
In the rest of the nation's eyes, the Heat can't win, so it's damn time we accepted the WWE heel/villain role and play up to it. Making other teams say the Heat plays in the BangBros Arena would be hilarious. Eat it.
We hope your kids ask you what a "BangBros" is, Indiana! Don't start none, won't be none.
Give this to Heat fans, Dade County. Take the money and run. Even for a single season, let cocky Heat fans bask in the enjoyment of pissing off old white people at ESPN. They're already mad at us.