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Five Depressing Facts About How Long It's Been Since Dolphins Made the Super Bowl
Photo by Ian Witlen

Five Depressing Facts About How Long It's Been Since Dolphins Made the Super Bowl

There is a Super Bowl this Sunday, and for the 12,068th day in a row, the Miami Dolphins will not play in it.

Since the Fins lost 38-16 to the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XIX, they really haven't even come close to getting back to the big game. Hell, they haven't even been back to an AFC Conference title game since 1992, when they lost 29-10 to Buffalo.

What we're trying to get at here is it's been a damn long time since Dolphins fans got to see their team play in the Super Bowl. How long? Well, we already told you it's been more than 12,000 days, but here are a few facts that will help your brain understand just how long this mediocre era has lasted.

1. The Breakfast Club came out a month after the Dolphins last played in the Super Bowl. There are a probably a lot of people reading this who weren't even close to being born in 1985, so it would be totally understandable if they haven't seen The Breakfast Club even though it's been out for three-plus decades, totally holds up, and is universally considered one of the greatest comedies.

So consider, for a moment, that when the Fins played the 49ers in Super Bowl XIX, this movie wasn't even out yet. Depressed yet? Oh, and Back to the Future wasn't out yet either. We're talking about the first one — you know, the one where Marty McFly travels superfar into the future, all the way to 2015?

We're sorry for doing this to you. Let's keep going, though.

2. Madonna's "Like a Virgin" and a pair of hits by Wham! were the most popular songs on the radio. If your team hasn't come close to sniffing a championship since Wham! released "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," you deserve all of your money back. You should be able to claim "Miami Dolphins fan since 1985" on your taxes this year.

Two other things about the "Like a Virgin" video posted above. First, look at the quality of it. That was the best they could do for videos the last time the Dolphins made the Super Bowl. That was peak shit. Second, Madonna turns 60 in few months. Yes, 60.

3. LeBron James was three weeks old when the Dolphins played in Super Bowl XIX. LeBron James is basically "when the Miami Dolphins were last good" old. He's lived an entire life between Fins Super Bowl appearances. Think about this: LeBron was born, went through 12 grades of school, got married, had three kids, and has scored more than 30,000 points over 15 NBA seasons since the Dolphins were in the Super Bowl.

This is a grown-ass, 33-year-old man listed at six-foot-eight and 250 pounds who was a newborn when the Dolphins got their asses kicked by Joe Montana in 1985. That's a real thing.

4. There have been five U.S. presidents since Miami's last Super Bowl. Not one, not two, not three, not four, but five people have been president since the Dolphins last played in the Super Bowl. What's worse: It's only five because three of them stuck around for eight-years terms.

A father AND his son have BOTH been president of the United States since the Fins' last Super Bowl. That doesn't even seem possible! You have to be 35 years old to even have that job!

5. The Hurricanes have won four national championships since the last Dolphins Super Bowl. The Miami Hurricanes have done more than most college football programs have ever done or will ever accomplish in the years since the last Dolphins shot at a title. Not only that, but most of the players who won those four college championships went on to play in the NFL, where they contributed to the Dolphins being terrible by beating them on other teams.

Entire movies have been made about the great things the Hurricanes have done since the last time the Dolphins weren't shitty. People have lived full lives. The Miami Heat has won three titles since then. And the Florida Marlins have won two. The FLORIDA Marlins. They don't exist anymore!

It's really hard being a Miami Dolphins fan. Maybe next year.

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