Regular Crossfade contributor, Christopher Lopez, has never made any bones about his inherent distrust of bachata boy band Aventura. But now that the group's playing a two-night stand at the Hard Rock Live in Hollywood next Tuesday and Wednesday, he felt it was time to explain himself.
That's why, this week, over at our sister paper, the New Times Broward-Palm Beach, he decided to fully explain himself in a potentially scandalous piece called "Bachata Bombers: A Latin Music Fan's Case Against Aventura." Here's a sample of what he had to say:
Contrary to what scores of screeching girls and their parents believe, the Bronx-based quartet of Anthony "Romeo" Santos, Lenny Santos, Henry Santos Jeter, and Max Santos is not the Dominican Invasion -- not even close. Paul McCartney hasn't swapped his Hofner violin bass for an acoustic guitar with a capo on the ninth fret. Ringo Starr's skin is pasty, not a rich caramel macchiato. And the Beatles' mop-top 'do has not been usurped by Romeo's fade.
This article won't be popular. Look no further than Aventura's accolades from the past six months: an American Music Award for Favorite Latin Artist, five Premio Lo Nuestro awards, nine Billboard Latin Music awards, and the number one spot on Billboard's Boxscore, doubling Bon Jovi's for a total count of four sold-out shows. Sales-wise, triple-platinum in the Latin market is one thing, but Aventura's The Last debuted at number five on the Billboard 200 next to artists like Black Eyed Peas and Lady GaGa, and still sits in the Latin top 10 after more than a year on the charts.'Zing! Click here to read the full article over at the New Times Broward-Palm Beach. Or, if you think they're just the bitter words of a bachata-hater, you can still score tickets to both the Tuesday and Wednesday night shows, although the sections closest to the stage are sold out. The remaining tickets cost $75 to a whopping $150.
Although there's no way to take any of that away from them, I have to ask... What the hell, guys? How can Aventura's offerings possibly be enticing? It's prepubescent horniness masquerading as the sensitive musings of romantic men! It's "seduction" delivered via cajolery cheesier then Chester Cheetah's paws! I can let slide a telenovela star's weak attempt at sexy intonation, but I'm sorry, I just cannot overlook brazenly corny Latin-lover lyrics.
Aventura. 8 p.m. Tuesday, July 6, and Wednesday, July 7. Hard Rock Live, 1 Seminole Way, Hollywood. Tickets cost $75 to $150. 800-745-3000; ticketmaster.com
