Christmas brings a mixture of emotions to the masses.
Dealing with family you haven't seen all year. Remembering why you haven't seen them all year. Being too broke to buy appropriate yet clever crap at Brookstone for everyone. Not being able to get anything important done. Tolerating neighbors' stupid light displays and crappy Christmas carols. Reflecting on life and loss in general ... The list goes on and on.
We here at Crossfade have a gift list for those who have nodded their little eggnog heads
to any of the previous sentences.
10. Fear's "Fuck Christmas"
Pretty straightforward. It's tough to argue with the logic and delivery.
9. Tom Leher's "A Christmas Carol"
Old school and brillant. A great take on the gross commercialism of the holiday, it's packed with some helpful hints.
8. The Hollywood Undead's "Christmas in Hollywood"
West Coast pop-hop at it's finest. You'll be dancing and chuckling around your dumb apartment as you steal your roommate's last beer before you go out and drive through rush-hour traffic. That's what the holidays are all about.
7. John Valby's "It's Beginning to Look Like Syphilis"
John Valby's lyrics are always a treasure chest of eloquent filth. His Christmas ode has enough infected anal references to keep you away from the ham for a while.
6. Weird Al Yankovic's "The Night Santa Went Crazy"
Oh Weird Al ... What can't you make into a zany song? The man reveals his seldom explored morbid side with catchy lyrics like: "The night Santa went crazy/Tthe night Kris Kringle went nuts/Now ya can't hardly walk around the North Pole/Without stepping in reindeer guts."
5. Arrogant Worms' "Christmas Sucks"
Seems like another simple one. This, however, is a story of how a once sweet little boy spiraled into a life of bitterness and cynicism when financial collapse crippled his family.
4. Mr. Hankey & Kenny McCormick's "The Most Offensive Song Ever"
South Park doesn't really get enough songwriting credit. If that show was factored into the shallow tidepool of most current music, it'd be the floating turd above the rest. And this cheerful ballad basically breaks down how the angel, Gabriel, conveys to the Virgin Mary that fellatio isn't considered a sin.
3. Tiny Tim's "Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year"
This poor, diabetic, ukelele-wielding freak of nature with a bad heart and worse hair could actually write quite the ditty. It's funny that he wrote this one about the one disease that he didn't have.
2. Ren & Stimpy's "I Hate Christmas"
Sorry, we keep going to cartoon characters for these gems. But they are clearly better than real people. It's science. And this lounge-y Holiday blues tune really suits Ren the Chihuahua's voice, even though he doesn't sound like a Mexican at all. "Sleigh bells ringing/And off-key singing/Christmas music makes me Gag." Preach it, Ren! Preach it!
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1. Murder City Devils' "364 Days"
On a serious note, this is a really good song. It's an open letter to St. Nicholas that reads:"St. Nicholas, St. Nicholas at the North Pole/364 days spent all alone/Take off your boots, pour a drink/try not to cry, try not to think." Good stuff for any office party.
-- Eric Garcia