Despiterepeated CPR attempts
by Nas, it appears hip-hop officially flatlined last week, suffering a painful, humiliating death at the hands of an assailant known as Soulja Boy.
The murderer suffers from a massive delusional disorder and he's known for many inexplicable acts, such as smearing Wite-Out all over his sunglasses, basically rendering them useless.
But this latest crime really highlights the depth of his delusion.
Explaining to MTV that he is "giving the people what they want," Soulja Boy has decided to remake Tupac's breakout film Juice, starring himself in place of the legendary rapper. He has also released an accompanying mixtape, featuring the same exact artwork as the original but with his face where Tupac's should be.
At first, we were excited to hear this news, because we thought Dave Chappelle was back to writing comedy sketches. But, no, it appears Soulja Boy actually fancies himself capable of channeling one of the greatest rappers of all time when he's not busy publishing the world's most annoying ringtones and superman-ing some hoes.
Tupac, you might recall, studied theater and dance at Baltimore School of the Arts. He's also one of the only rappers who has entire college courses devoted to dissecting his music. His lyrics sharply analyzed social dynamics and issues of poverty, while communicating the rapper's own hypocrisies and battles with violence and self-destruction.
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Of course, it's possible "Rich Hoe" off Soulja's version of Juice is a complex analysis of the effect of economics on prostitution. Or that "Shawty Got Racks" deals with the issue of special shelving for short people. But to be honest, we can't say for sure, because we're too busy turning this most ironic mixtape in the history of all mixtapes into a coaster for our tall boy of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
We would post a video from the new Juice mixtape. But we don't want to be responsible for assaulting your brain cells in such a violent manner. Instead, we'll fuck up your day with this vid.