There was a conspicuous Boss-sized absence at the Miami Heat championship celebrations. That's because Rick Ross was in Jamaica, not the MI-Yayo.
What was he doing there? Smoking massive quantities of marijuana and keeping thick bitches warm at night, you silly goose.
How do we know? Because we just watched a new nine-minute Jamaican vacation video diary that Ricky Rozay released to celebrate ... What, exactly? That his life is way better than ours.
An extremely detailed breakdown after the jump.
00:28
"I just landed in Kingston, Jamaica. You know I love Jamaica. We scheduled to have us a huge performance out ..."
Whoa! Sorry to cut you off, Ross. But check out the size of that bud! Can we get a closer look?
00:34
That bud's so big it can't ride an elevator at the same time as Rick Ross.
That bud has it own MMG mixtape with 2 Chainz on the single.
That bud will get you so high that if you live in a Jamaican shantytown made of Funyuns, everyone you know is about to get real homeless, real fast.
See that on the right? That's a mouth this bud can use to smoke blunts.
That fucking bud played keyboards in the Grateful Dead for a few shows in '79.
You smoke some of that bud and go, "Man, I'm so fucking high," and the bud goes, "I'm made of this fucking shit. How do you think I feel? Gimme those chips."
That bud's got tickets to the Grand Funk Railroad concert but takes you out for beers instead because your girl dumped you, that's how big of a bud this fucking bud is.
01:07
"It's going to be a big year. Not just for MMG. You know, just for music. You know what I'm saying?"
Rozay then lists off nearly everyone who has a release in 2012. There have to be some releases that Ross isn't thinking about. Four not mentioned in the video:
My Other Horse Is My Ex-Wife by Big Squidge & Tubbs
Lions of Judah: A Jew's Harp Dub Compilation by Various Artists
Women of Wood and Rum: The Shanties, Vol. 2 by Rod Stewart
If You're There, Please Pick Up. I'm Sorry, Okay? by Pill
02:02
Rick Ross smokes weed.
02:05
Rick Ross was watching the Heat win! Or his videographer was watching Lebron do his best Morrissey impersonation while Ross was eating Fluffernutter off a couple of fine Jamaican stulleshas.
02:21
This promoter says, "Rick Ross is gonna come fuck it up." Then he mentions some of the Jamaican artists who will be performing, including I-Octane and someone whose name is either Mustard or NASCAR. He should call his album "Spicy Fender" just to be safe.
02:35
Rick Ross smokes weed.
02:38
Rick Ross, hand model. RRNNNGGHHH!
2:51
Rick Ross leaves his hotel on the way to the show. What are the odds that the lady in the yellow top had a chance to check out that massive bud in-person?
03:05
Rick Ross climbing stairs is like Santa taking a shit. It's one of those things you know has to happen, but you never really expect to see.
03:12
Mystery #1: Anyone know why all these people are taking a picture of a dolphin peeking over a rock?
03:54
Mystery #2: How did the front row get filled with so many hot women? They must have won a radio contest or something.
04:08
On "Blowin' Money Fast", Rozay says he's got "cocaine runnin' in [his] big vein." If you've ever wondered how big his big vein is, Ross shows the crowd here. Turns out it's a pretty big vein.
05:31
What is the sound of one hand slapping Rick Ross's left boob? Well, fortunately, he has the microphone right by that boob-hand event, so now we have an answer. As for the sound, it has a sadness to it, somewhere between a flipped pancake sticking to the ceiling and a dropped ice cream cone.
06:06
"This next record is for all the sexy ladies that know how to take care of the big-bellied rudeboy."
You're right if you believe "tak[ing] care of the big-bellied rudeboy" probably isn't all that complicated. This might mean that you are a "sexy lady." Congratulations!
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