Speaking on behalf of everyone everywhere, people love to hate Pitbull. He's like your crazy uncle that you secretly enjoy listening to but don't want to introduce to your friends. Like, if we still had iPods, Pitbull would be on all of ours, but we'd try to hide his songs as some made-up indie band, like WolfRat.
But he's a goddamned American treasure, and no matter how hard we try to deny it, we all know it.
That's why it should come as no surprise that Pitbull (born Armando Christian Perez) will not only be ringing in the new year here at Bayfront Park but will be doing so in front of millions as part of a live broadcast on Fox. It's flashy, it's fun, it's Miami.
It's our Pitbull.
To both prep for the night of debauchery and reflect for a moment on the tao of Pitbull, we've put together a list of Pitbull's most Pitbull moments of 2015. Because, Pitbull.
7. When Pitbull announced plans for his TV show.
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Pitbull made an announcement back in May that caught the attention of every TV critic on the face of the Earth: He was going to make a TV show about “living life to the fullest,” titled Masterclass. Unfortunately, Pitbull announced that he wouldn't be hosting the show, which would focus on male and female hosts “getting schooled by experts in a wide range of fields including welding, surviving in the wilderness, knife-making, and dancing," or, as Pitbull calls it, Tuesday.
6. When Fox announced yet another Pitbull-produced show.
After Fox got wind of Pitbull's plans to teach people how to weld and make knives on TV, they must have been like, Dude, we need to give this guy more shows. Because shortly after the announcement of Masterclass, Fox revealed that Pitbull would be producing a new Miami drama, titled 305 . The show would be about a teenager named Willy who moves in with his uncle in Miami and is sent to the richest school in town. All this show is missing is a nerdy cousin named Carlos and a sassy butler named Godfredo. It's a concept that's clearly never been done before, and we're thrilled on multiple levels.
5. That time he admitted to chilling with the GOP.
It's hard to believe Pitbull would ever be in the same room as Marco Rubio, but believe it, because it probably already happened. That's right, the “Timber” rapper admitted to hanging out with different members of the GOP in a CNBC documentary called Pitbulll: Fame & Fortune. But he wasn't doing it for political reasons. Pitbull hasn't officially endorsed any of the GOP. He apparently just likes to “hear what they got going on.” God bless.
4. When he sued Oakley for trying to piggyback on the Pitbull brand.
Yup, Pitbull filed a lawsuit in Florida that claimed Oakley was using his “federally-registered Pitbull trademark” by selling a line of “Pit Bull” sunglasses. There's a joke in there somewhere about Pitbull always wearing sunglasses, but we can't think of it right now because all we're doing is picturing Pitbull in a courtroom acting as his own lawyer and oh my God I think we just came up with another TV show.
3. When the internet was briefly convinced that he had a monster dong.
This summer, Vice's sister site, Noisey, released an article that literally highlighted Pitbull's genitals in various screengrabs from a video for “Fun,” featuring Chris Brown. The bulge seemed to check out, but who knows? If some women pad their bras, I'm sure some men pad their billowy pink pants. Pitbull might be stuffing a croqueta down there.
2. When he released his scents upon the world.
Pitbull wants you to smell like him, which apparently consists of subtle hints of mandarin, sage, and Kesha. In 2013, he released a pair of fragrances for him and her, and in August of 2015, he followed up with Pitbull Miami. What a time to be alive.
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1. When he became Florida's official tourism ambassador.
Being Florida's official tourism ambassador is quite the accomplishment for Mr. 305. Raised in Little Havana, it must feel pretty great for Pitbull to finally represent Florida on a whole other level. Pitbull, you're the Taylor Swift of Florida, and we'll take you over Taylor Swift any day. Because you've got a massive heart and — allegedly — penis.
Norwegian Worldwide Food & Wine Party Brought to You by Greater Miami CVB. Wednesday and Thursday, December 30 and 31, at Bayfront Park, 301 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 305-358-7550; bayfrontparkmiami.com. General-admission tickets cost $99 plus fees, and VIP tickets cost $500 plus fees via ticketfly.com. Ticket holders enjoy early access to the amphitheater until 6:30 p.m., prior to commencement of the televised celebrations and the venue becoming open to the public. Access is first-come, first-served. Visit worldwidefoodandwine.com.