Nicki Minaj rolls deep, traveling with so many alternate personalities that a PET scan of her head must look like the Predator's family Christmas card.
When she beez in the James L. Knight Center on July 24, expect them to all be on display: Nicki, Barbie, Roman, Martha, Rosa and, well, maybe even some new ones.
But pissing on bitches and beating you with a pad-a-lock take considerable time and concentration. That's why we're going to ease Nicki's workload by suggesting some new personalities for her show in Miami.
Cheeky and Clarence the Ass Implants
Nicki Minaj has a really big ass. Grand, even. Her bottom is vast enough to span the whole scope of human experience, her cheeks are the modern-day Greek masks of Tragedy and Comedy.
Nicki's sulky left cheek, Clarence, mostly moans, making a sound like a deflating balloon. So don't expect to hear from him unless Nicki's next stylistic excursion is a free jazz album called Super Double Bass.
Her right cheek, however, is a troublemaking party starter. Cheeky the Ass Implant is a scamp that does things far naughtier than using the bidet less than 30 minutes after eating. Give him a taco and a match and Cheeky'll spit so much fire it'll be a baller's two-ply lifestyle from thereon out. Expect beef with the Kardashians and with Joe Jonas's underarm merkins on the regular.
Officer Tickles, TSA
Nicki claims she was "overtly fondled" last week by a TSA agent, described by Minaj as an old lady with an accent. So don't be surprised when Officer Tickles shows up on a track, overtly fondling a RedOne beat.
Officer Tickles would have a lot of opportunities to diss Nicki's rap enemies. Possible subjects include you being so poor you don't have to empty your pockets before going through the metal detector, the boll weevils she spots in your weave going through the x-ray machine, and how she's going to pee on you three ounces at a time. Yeah, Nicki really likes peeing on people.
Lil' Kim's Old Face
Times are tough for everyone, even for moderately successful rappers from the 1990s. That's why Nicki's rival Lil' Kim has downsized and traded in her old face for some veal scaloppini shot up by a paintball gun.
But now that Lil Kim's old face isn't doing anything, maybe Nicki can slap it over her own and give it a voice. It would be like Face/Off if instead of John Travolta, Nicolas Cage had swapped faces with present-day Nicolas Cage. Plus, there are many advantages of accessorizing with other people's body parts: it's edgy and, outside of things like fingers or lungs, they're usually one-of-a-kind.
The Chicken Ghost of Manchester
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Nicki recently bought 550 chicken legs and 300 chicken wings after a show in Manchester, England. The only possible explanation is that she is trying to summon the angry ghosts of slaughtered chickens in the hope of being possessed by them.
It was really only a matter of time until Minaj started making animal noises on her songs. So get ready for your radio be dominated by the unholy clucking of her next Colonel Sanders diss track.
Nicki Minaj's Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded Tour. With 2 Chainz. Tuesday, July 24. James L. Knight Center, 400 SE Second Ave., Miami. The show starts at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $43.75 to $123.75 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 305-372-4634 or visit jlkc.com.